Nothing says Happy Halloween like scantily clad women on the prowl that want nothing else than to slay you with their sex appeal. Halloween is a special time of year that causes people to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character and downright scary.
Or are they?
Women dress like trashy whores. Men dress like… well, basically anything that will remotely pass as a costume so that they can attend the parties where women are dressed like trashy whores. Let's be honest here, the only reason an adult male, who can buy as much candy as he wants, would dress up in a cheesy costume on Halloween is so that he can attend the only party of the year where women seem to lose all of their inhibitions and dress as sexy as humanly possible. Am I right?
Yeah, I know these comments may seem completely backwards and out of character for me, but the great thing about Halloween is that you can pretty much get away with anything and be whatever you want.
So in honor of Halloween, I'm going to completely vanish without a trace and disguise myself as a superficial male chauvinist pig. Hey, don't judge my costume and I won't call you a trashy, slutty whore for dressing like one! Let's just try and appreciate each other's costumes in all their extreme glory. Agreed? Good. Moving on.
It’s not a big surprise that a man would get turned on by a woman who aggressively pursues them while using their feminine wiles, but then throw in the notion that she wants nothing more than to come for you and you’d be surprised at how quickly men will ignore the fact that she’s literally a relentless stalker. Even if it’s a woman who could easily be classified as completely unforgiving, one thing's for certain, men love female Slayers/Hunters.
In past years I brought you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Vampires, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Werewolves, the Top 5 Sexiest Witches/Covens, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Zombies, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Ghosts, the Top 5 Sexiest Female Demons/Devils and the Top 5 Sexiest Female Psychopaths/Sociopaths. This year for Halloween I present to you the Top 5 Sexiest Female Slayers/Hunters, granted their title for no other reason than their unrelenting hotness, regardless of how persistent their movie or show was to suck. In addition, I’d like to note that I’m including both supernatural slayer/hunters as well as ones that are just regular people with bad-ass monster hunting/killing skills in this article, not just because their magical abilities are irrelevant to being fucking hot, but also because I can’t be buggered to get into a big fanboy debate about the difference between the two.
5. Felicia Day as Violet (Vi) in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2003), Virginia “Red” Sullivan in Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010) and Charlene “Charlie” Bradbury in Supernatural (2012-2015)
Whether she’s slaying vampires, hunting werewolves, or chasing down all manners of supernatural creatures, Felicia Day is a Sci-Fi geek’s wet dream. Day flawlessly plays the role of the quintessential awkward geek girl, who also doesn’t seem to have a clue just how incredibly hot she is, mostly because it also happens to be Day’s natural default state.
In Buffy the Vampire Slayer she is a shy, nervous, sheltered and awkward Potential Slayer who grows into a strong confident proficient fighter showing tremendous skill in battle. Eventually she becomes the leader of the New York cell of Buffy’s Slayer Organization and ends up spending the rest of the time hunting the shark that this show has obviously jumped over.
In Red: Werewolf Hunter she is the modern-day descendant of Little Red Riding Hood, turned federal agent, who brings her sluggish fiancé home to meet her family of slow-talking werewolf hunters. For this role Day sheds her typical geek exterior for a more confident one, probably because it’s difficult to deliver dialogue that slowly while also coming off as intelligent. She’s certainly not hunting an Emmy with this performance, but she does look hot while delivering lines in slow motion.
In Supernatural she plays Charlie Bradbury, hacker gamer-geek lesbian fangirl extraordinaire turned supernatural hunter. I mean, her character is a lesbian with a tattoo of Princess Leia in a slave girl bikini astride a 20-sided dice, for fuck’s sake. And since I just got hard typing that last sentence, I’ll spare you where my mind wandered in the episode There’s No Place Like Home, where she is split into two smoking hot lesbian gamer-geek women, one good and one bad. Hey, don’t look at me like that, Sam and Dean spent the entire episode trying to get the two of them together too!
Felicia Day, I think I speak for most men when I say we’ve all been hunting for someone like you since puberty.
4. Lily James, Bella Heathcote, Ellie Bamber, Millie Brady & Suki Waterhouse as Elizabeth Bennet, Jane Bennet, Lydia Bennet, Mary Bennet & Kitty Bennet in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of the good fortune to view a film with no less than five handsome, alluring, young women in corsets and stockings, must be in want of a second viewing. However, little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first viewing a film, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of those reading his words that his thoughts are considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.
Now I do find that all of these women are indeed tolerable, but are they handsome enough to tempt me to view this film a second time? In truth, I am all astonishment that a film would condescend as to make five women so handsome in appearance, but be not nearly fleshed out enough for my taste. I had not thought the director so bad as this, though I have never had previous dealings with him before, but in such cases as these a good memory is unpardonable. Although neither of us perform for strangers, this type of oversight simply will not do and cannot be born. I am grieved indeed… grieved and shocked. It is possible? Can it be possible that he would flesh out the zombies more than the handsome women in corsets and stockings? Impossible! For my part I am inclined to believe the latter to be of far greater concern, as flesh is of little or no importance to a zombie.
But gracious me! I quite forgot! I ought not to have said a word about the quality of the film itself, but only on the quality of their figures. I promised the readers so faithfully and ardently. Tis too much, by far too much. These women do not deserve my film critique, but rather my admiration. Oh! Why is not everybody as handsome in a corset and stockings as these five young women? But are they handsome enough to make a man be so generous as to trifle with this film again? I assure you. My mind was certainly more agreeably engaged while watching this film. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine stockings on the legs of a pretty woman can bestow. Upon my word, with women as handsome as this I say view them repeatedly, for I am quite at my leisure.
Lily James, Bella Heathcote, Ellie Bamber, Millie Brady & Suki Waterhouse, I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never met before, but I can assure you that I would gladly bestow upon you many, many pounds… repeatedly and most ardently.
3. Kristy Swanson and Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992 Movie, 1997-2003 TV show.)
You simply can’t utter the phrase “Vampire Slayer” without immediately conjuring up various images of a blond bombshell named Buffy Summers that will relentlessly pursue the darkest fantasies in your mind. If you’re thinking about the early nineties comedy horror film, starring the ever sultry Kristy Swanson as a valley-girl cheerleader turned vampire hunter, then you imagine her in spandex, sports-bras, cheerleading outfits and midriff exposing cut offs. If you’re thinking about the turn of the millennium campy television show, starring the provocative Sarah Michelle Gellar, then it’s miniskirts, tube tops, knee high boots and spaghetti straps.
Swanson literally kicked off the Buffy phenomenon with cheesy comedy and early nineties cringe worthy outfits desperately clinging to the hilarity of the 80s style, but I’ll be damned if she didn’t look amazing in all those training and fighting scenes. Maybe it was just the skin tight outfits or maybe it was that this movie introduced a much more visually appealing character as a vampire hunter than the traditional reiteration of an aged Dutch doctor named Professor Abraham Van Helsing. Regardless, I’d personally rather see a sexy woman in skin tight clothing any day than some old wrinkly Dutch dude.
Gellar then rebooted the arousing slayer iconic image the way Joss Whedon originally envisioned her, fun and sexy with just a hint of innocence to make her seriously deadly alluring. To make things even better Whedon added in a Scooby Gang of misfits that all eventually came into their own, transcending their stereotypical high school niches, which is something everyone can probably relate to on some level. The show was so successful that it even spawned several spin-offs in the Buffyverse, most notably Angel, but one could also argue inspired countless other shows and copycats with similar formulas. I should probably also mention that Sarah Michelle Gellar also played Daphne in the actual Scooby-Doo movies which technically counts as a paranormal hunter as well.
Whichever Buffy Summers persists in staking a claim in your heart, you can be sure that either one will never fail to deliver a killer sexy look while doing so.
Kristy Swanson and Sarah Michelle Gellar, not only will I gladly be your watcher, but I’ve got an endless supply of wood for you.
2. Eliza Dushku as Faith Lehane in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1998-2003)
You know what’s even better than an innocent looking, good-natured, hot, blond, cheerleader, slayer named Buffy? A morally questionable, bad-ass, hot, brunette, sex-pot, slayer named Faith, that’s what. Enter Eliza Dushku…
I’m sorry, my mind wandered a bit after typing that. What I mean to say is that Faith is played by the incredibly enticing Eliza Dushku, who epitomizes the role of a sexy female slayer. If you’re looking for the girl next door, Faith probably already corrupted her and is involved in a three-way with her right about now.
From the moment Faith entered the Buffyverse she was the antithesis of what Buffy Summers is, the Yin to Buffy’s Yang, the bad to her good, the dark to her light and whenever she came on screen… I’m sorry, my mind wandered again, what was I talking about? Oh right, I was talking about how smokin’ hot Eliza Dushku was playing Faith. With lines like, “Just like riding a biker” and “Isn’t it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny” it’s little wonder why Faith Lehane became an instant fan favorite.
However, just like any person who wields sex like a weapon, everything is not exactly “five by five” with Faith. Everything about her screams trouble, from her obviously damaged psyche to her overcompensating sexual confidence, which makes her both incredibly dangerous and terrifyingly appealing. Her character is tragically walking a tightrope between desperate and lonely, ready to fall off at a moment's notice into the pit of despair and destruction, which is exactly what happens when she ends up killing a human and going crazy.
Regardless of all her torment and bad choices, you can’t deny that a psychologically damaged woman with severe Daddy issues, desperately trying to validate her self-worth via her sexuality, is the fantasy of most red-blooded males thinking with the wrong head.
Eliza Dushku, anytime you want to “get some and get done” you can have faith I’ll deliver on that “good down-low tickle.”
1. Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious in Van Helsing (2004) and Selene in Underworld (2003), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Underworld: Awakening (2012) and Underworld: Blood Wars (2017)
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, “Oh there’s a big fucking surprise, Kate Beckinsale made this year’s top sexiest female whatever-the-fuck Halloween article.” However, I finally figured out what she was missing all those past years that always kept her just a little behind. (Seriously though, have you seen her little behind though?) Clearly all that was needed for me to move her from the recurring number two spot, to the number one spot, was epic long hair. I mean, you all know how much I love long hair… and a corset doesn’t hurt either. Just sayin’.
In the very first article of this series, (time for a Total Recall) I discussed Selene’s delicious struggle and eventual surrender to losing all control of her world… while in a black, skin tight leather/latex outfit no less. So I won’t go into too much depth about Kate Beckinsale’s flawless execution of a sexy hunter/slayer in the Underworld series, except to say that her sultry struggle continues with a fifth film coming in the beginning of next year called Underworld: Blood Wars and I for one simply can’t wait.
Interestingly, the movie Van Helsing appeared in the first article, as well, but discussing the delectable trio of neapolitan, long haired, brides of Dracula. What I failed to mention the first time around though was the lovely Kate Beckinsale, as Princess Anna Valerious, the sizzling long haired, Transylvanian vampire hunter in a corset. Whether Anna is running around in her skin tight black spandex pants and black thigh high boots, (Does Beckinsale have a contract rider for black spandex or something? Mind you, I’m not complaining, I’m just acknowledging the Serendipity of it all.) or being entirely submissive in an extremely low cut red ball gown, Kate certainly delivers in eye-candy what this movie lacks in… well… pretty much everything else except hilarious genre-crossing monster camp.
Kate Beckinsale, I’ve always had you coming from behind, but this time I finally have you on top.
So there you have it, the Top Five Sexiest Female Slayers/Hunters, brought to you by a superficial, male chauvinist pig (for a day). I would now like to give a brief honorable mention to some deadly sexy women, who didn’t make the final cut, but will very likely track me down and kill me if I didn’t mention them.
Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Bianca Lawson as Kendra Young, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, Emma Caulfield as Anya Jenkins, Amber Benson as Tara Maclay in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)
Amy Acker as Winifred Burkle / Illyria and Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase in Angel (1999-2004)
Linda Cardellini as Velma and Sarah Michelle Gellar as Daphne in Scooby-Doo (2002) and Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
Milla Jovovich as Alice, Ali Larter as Claire, Sienna Guillory as Jill Valentine, Bingbing Li as Ada Wong, Spencer Locke as K-Mart, Kacey Clarke as Crystal Waters… fuck it, all the women in the Resident Evil franchise (2002-2017)
Jessica Biel as Abigail Whistler in Blade: Trinity (2004)
Sarah Polley as Ana in Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Asia Argento as Slack in Land of the Dead (2005)
Kristanna Loken as Rayne in BloodRayne (2005)
Lucy Liu as Sadie Blake in Rise: Blood Hunter (2007)
Natassia Malthe as Rayne in BloodRayne: Deliverance (2007) and BloodRayne: The Third Reich (2011)
Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling in Planet Terror (2007)
Nina Dobrev as Loren in Never Cry Werewolf (2008)
Emma Stone as Wichita in Zombieland (2009)
Ji-hyun Jun as Saya in Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)
Christian Serratos as Rosita Espinosa, Lauren Cohan as Maggie Greene, Danai Gurira as Michonne, Sonequa Martin-Green as Sasha Williams, Emily Kinney as Beth Greene, Laurie Holden as Andrea Harrison, Sarah Wayne Callies as Lori Grimes,,Alexandra Breckenridge as Jessie Anderson… fuck it, all the women in The Walking Dead (2010-2017)
Maggie Q as Priestess in Priest (2011)
Alona Tal as Jo Harvelle in Supernatural (2006-2011)
Gemma Arterton as Gretel in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Crystal Reed as Allison Argent / Marie-Jeanne Valet and Jill Wagner as Kate Argent in Teen Wolf (2011-2017)
Leslie-Anne Huff and Kat Graham as Rayna Cruz and Bonnie Bennett in The Vampire Diaries (2016)
I'm sorry ladies, as unyielding as your beauty may be, I simply had to eliminate you in order to keep it under five. Besides, what’s the worst thing you could do to me, chase me to the ends of the earth and ruthlessly have your way with me? Call me crazy, but somehow the idea of being pursued by a dangerously, sexy woman doesn’t scare me in the least.
So to all the killer, sexy, seductive, female Slayers/Hunters out there, I say, “Bring it on and come for me all you want.”
Happy Halloween everyone!
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