The lights went out! I wave my arms furiously in the air, but nothing happens. Great, now what am I supposed to do? Here I am sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom in complete darkness and the freakin' lights went out. Damn motion sensor energy saving lights! I haven't been sitting here THAT long! I mean, no longer than a normal person would sit on the toilet to do their business. Wait, how long does it take normal people to do their business? Surely I've only been here a few minutes so it isn't like I'm abnormal or anything. Oh God, what if I'm abnormal?! How would I even know? I mean it isn't exactly something people talk about in casual conversation. How would you even go about bringing something like that up anyway?

You're sitting in the dark in a public bathroom with no way of getting the lights on, what do you do? Just try and wipe in the dark? "Hey John, how's it going? Good, glad to hear it…look I've been meaning to ask you something. Exactly how long do you usually spend on the toilet when you're taking a crap? I just need a rough estimate. A roughage estimate, if you will. Ballpark it. Five minutes? Ten minutes? Yeah I know, it's an awkward question, but I figured who better to ask a question about toilet habits than someone named John? Hey John? Where are you going? John?! Okay cool bro, we'll catch up later!"

Yeah, not something you can just casually bring up, but still, I'm pretty sure I haven't been sitting here that long. Also, am I really so motionless that a motion sensor light would go out on me?! Sweet, I'm like a freakin' ninja! A motionless ninja. Hmmm, that wouldn't be a very effective ninja, would it? It's kind of a lame ninja that never moves, or moves SO SLOWLY that it doesn't register on motion sensors. Yeah, not a very useful ninja skill at all, unless you were trying to break into somewhere with motion sensors and then it would be bad ass! Except that it would take you forever to get the job done and then would that make you good at it, or terrible at it? Surely there must be better ninja ways of fooling motion sensors than just moving slowly. That's weird, I guess a slow moving ninja is pretty useless, except if it was a female ninja and she was moving slowly to sexually hypnotize her target. That would be cool. Female ninjas are hot!

Focus Andrei, you can think about female ninjas later.

Female ninja 1
Female Ninjas: The one time you don't mind a ninja taking your head.

Anyway, are people moving around a lot more than I am on the toilet? That's weird. Are they sitting here doing the Macarena in order to constantly engage the motion sensor or something? Wait, nothing happened earlier when I waved my arms, so that means the sensor isn't even covering this area! What a pile of crap, no pun intended. Why the hell would someone install motion sensor lights in a bathroom but not make sure the sensor was covering all essential and useful parts of the room?! What a weird job to have though. You would have to install the motion sensor light and then go sit motionless on all the toilets to make sure it was aligned properly and if it wasn't aligned you would have to go back and align it and then test it all over again until it was just right. Would they take their pants down at each toilet, or just sit there fully clothed? I wouldn't want to sit fully clothed on several public toilets just to test a motion sensor, so I guess it makes sense that the sensor isn't aligned correctly.

Still, if that was my job, I would make sure I had work clothes that I didn't care about and sit at each toilet to make sure the job was done right. Lazy bastards! No one takes any pride in their work anymore! I mean I could understand if it didn't cover a small corner of the bathroom where no one ever goes and thus if someone was standing in that corner for a really long time then the lights would go out, but this is ridiculous! That's a creepy thought, someone standing in the corner of a bathroom for a really long time without moving, like the Blair Witch Project or something. Unless of course it was a female ninja and then it would be awesome!

Female ninja 2
The quickest way to your heart is with her katana.

Focus Andrei, you're sitting in the dark in a public bathroom with no way of getting the lights on, what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?! What is that line from again? It's right on the tip of my tongue. WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO?! Damn, it sounds so familiar. I should Google that later.

Maybe I should just try and wipe in the dark? Wiping in the dark doesn't really seem like a very good idea though, especially since I have a new summer student starting their internship with me later, that would be kind of awkward.

"Hey, I'm your new mentor and yes, I may smell like shit today, but I can assure you that I normally don't smell like shit and I hope that the shit smell you are experiencing right now doesn't discourage you from getting the most out of your internship this summer. Cool?"

Yeah, no wiping in the dark. Maybe I should just wait until someone else comes in and uses the bathroom causing the lights to come on. Of course I would have to then be really quiet, like ninja quiet, so they didn't think I was just sitting here in the dark like some kind of a freaker. Imagine how weird that would be to come into a dark bathroom thinking you're all alone and then someone makes a noise from one of the stalls…. Unless of course that someone was a female ninja and she was waiting to sexually hypnotize you—that would be alright.

Female ninja 3
Watch out, she's going to get you. Wait, do ninjas wear watches?

Okay, focus on the plan. Some random person will come in and do their business, and when they finish and leave, I can just finish mine and be out, problem solved. They would never know I was here and what are the odds they would pick this stall out of all the others? Crap! What if they pick this stall and realize someone's inside?? It's a chance I'm just going to have to take. Now all I need is someone to come and use the bathroom. How long is that going to take I wonder? How often does a bathroom like this get used I wonder? Once every five minutes? Once every ten minutes? It shouldn't be too long now….


Jeez, this is taking a long time. Doesn't anyone go to the bathroom anymore? Come on!

OH HERE COMES SOMEONE! SWEET, THE LIGHTS CAME ON! RAISE YOUR FEET! RAISE YOUR FEET SO THEY DON'T SEE THEM! BE A SILENT NINJA, THE USEFUL KIND! …Except for the whole sexual hypnotism thing. No seriously, why don't we see more female ninjas in pop culture? Female ninjas are definitely an underutilized idea.

Female ninja 4
She'll not only love you to death, she'll love you to pieces.

Don't pick this stall…don't pick this stall! Okay cool, he's using the urinal, this won't take long. Alright, zipped up, flushed, he's…. HEY! HE'S NOT WASHING HIS HANDS! Freakin' animals!! Whatever, my legs are starting to fall asleep, get this dude out of here.

(The door opens and the lights go out)



Okay screw this, I'm just going to get up and waddle out of the stall with my pants around my ankles and set off the motion sensor so the lights come back on. Hmmm the ground is kind of gross… I don't want my pants to touch the ground while I'm waddling. It's cool, I'll just grab them and hold them with one hand while waddling and then set off the motion sensor with my other hand. Nothing to it, here goes.

(Waddling out into the main area, waving crazily at the sensor)

It's not working! Where the hell is this senor pointed anyway?!

(Waddling out farther, waving hand more violently)

The lights are on! YESS!

The door's opening! WHA… NO!

(Some guy steps into the bathroom)


(The terribly frightened guy instantly turns around and flees the bathroom that contains a half-naked crazy man holding his pants around his ankles while waving hello at people innocently coming to use the bathroom.)

Wow, that's embarrassing, but whatever, the lights are on. Back to the toilet to wipe and get the fuck out of here before the police show up and arrest me for public indecency or something.

I finish my business quickly, wash my hands and get the hell out of there.

I go to meet with the new summer student and…

Well, of course it's the guy who fled from the bathroom just moments ago…I mean, it couldn't have been one of the other seven billion people on the planet, right?

"Hi there!" I say with the same exact wave as from the bathroom. "Why don't you go and use the bathroom since we both know you have to, and if you actually come back, then we'll get started right away. It's going to be a REALLY LONG summer and I know you want to get it over with even faster than I do. Oh and if you never come back, I'm just going to assume you fell victim to the sexual hypnosis of a slow moving female ninja, in which case I'll totally understand."

Female ninja 5
Female ninjas: The only way to get more ass in assassination.