‘Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means, it's time for over-analyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place.

In the past, I’ve tackled “The Little Drummer Boy,” I get the sense that little guy is tackled more than a Vatican City altar boy. I’ve violated the ultra rapey, “Baby, It's Cold Outside.” I’ve cheapened the overly-sexualized and materialistic hookerish song, “Santa Baby.” I’ve looked down on the overly-condescending and disturbingly arrogant song, “Do They Know It's Christmas?” and I’ve held accountable the song that encourages underage drinking, extortion, blackmail and murder, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” This year I thought I’d address that fun loving, popular, vehicular manslaughter, incestuous, family ditty, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

This song is a novelty Christmas song written by Randy Brooks and originally performed by the husband and wife duo of Elmo (no, not from Sesame Street) and Patsy Trigg Shropshire in 1979. Now granted this song isn’t meant to be taken seriously, unlike many of the previous songs I’ve addressed, but what I would like to point out is how the undertones of this song are even more disturbing than a simple Christmas accident. I believe Grandpa and possibly the rest of the family are all in on taking out Grandma deliberately.

Elmo & Patsy Christmas Time album

More like Grandma got brutally murdered by her family and then possibly posthumously raped by a necrophiliac Santa.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
(With Lyric Analysis!)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
(Oh no, that’s awful!)

Walking home from our house Christmas eve
(Wait, why did you let your elderly grandmother walk home alone?)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa
(I’m not sure that’s the appropriate focus right now.)

But as for me and grandpa we believe
(Okay, duly noted, but back to Grandma.)

*  *  *

She'd been drinking too much eggnog
(Or you served her too much, either way…)

And we begged her not to go
(You probably should have tried harder to stop her.)

But she forgot her medication
(Surely, someone should have been in charge of her care other than herself then.)

And she staggered out the door into the snow
(Yeah, I think that’s on you, I would never let my grandmother do that.)

*  *  *

When we found her Christmas morning
(Wait, no one even checked if she got home alright? Negligence for sure.)

At the scene of the attack
(Attack? Interesting choice of words. Generally when someone is hit by a vehicle it’s not called an attack.)

She had hoof-prints on her forehead
(How awful and gruesome.)

And incriminating Claus marks on her back
(Wait, the driver of the sleigh made claw marks on her back?! The hooves make sense if she got run over, but are you suggesting that Santa also raped her dead body afterwards… oh my god, this is just too much.)

*  *  *

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
(No, I think Grandma got brutally attacked by Santa.)

Walking home from our house Christmas eve
(Which never should have been happening in the first place.)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa
(I mean at this point I think we can agree he’s a little more than naughty himself.)

But as for me and grandpa we believe
(Oh your poor Grandpa, he must be terribly distraught.)

*  *  *

Now we're all so proud of grandpa
(Wait, you’re proud of him? Why?)

He's been taking this so well
(Well?! His wife and partner of countless years just got brutally murdered.)

See him in there watching football
(Watching football? Does he even know?)

Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
(Well that’s a bit suspicious… and gross. Why is he and cousin Mel getting so cozy?) Eww.)

*  *  *

It's not Christmas without Grandma
(Well that’s sweet, but she would still want you to have Christmas.)

All the family's dressed in black
(Seems appropriate… unlike grandpa over there who I’m beginning to suspect of foul play.)

And we just can't help but wonder
(It’s a truly a puzzling and confusing time, I’m sure.)

Should we open up her gifts
(That seems in bad taste.)

Or send them back “Send them back!”
(The fuck?! What is wrong with you people?!)

*  *  *

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
(Don’t you mean murdered and raped by Grandpa’s hired hitman?)

Walking home from our house Christmas eve
(Come to think of it, I’m starting to wonder if you all were in on it too.)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa
(I’m more thinking there’s no such thing as common decency actually.)

But as for me and grandpa we believe
(Yeah, you seem to be throwing your lot in with grandpa and Santa pretty quickly here.)

*  *  *

Now the goose is on the table
(Who can eat at a time like this?)

And the pudding made of fig “Aghhh”
(Don’t even get me started on figgy pudding, that was last year’s article.)

And the blue and silver candles
(That’s nice that you’re trying to focus on something…)

That would just have matched the hair in grandma's wig
(Oh come on… that’s not even remotely appropriate.)

*  *  *

I've warned all my friends and neighbors
(Yeah, to stay the fuck away from you people?)

Better watch out for yourselves
(Sounds like a threat actually.)

They should never give a license
(But you can have a license to kill apparently?)

To a man who drives a sleigh
(I mean, I think sleighs should need licenses just like cars.)

And plays with elves
(Ewww, what are you saying? He’s an elf molester as well as a grandma killer/rapist?)

*  *  *

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
(Got iced by her family, you mean.)

Walking home from our house Christmas eve
(Pushed out the door is more likely.)

Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa
(I mean, if he molests elves, he’s probably on a sex offender registry and thus documented.)

But as for me and grandpa we believe
(I believe you’re all sick and twisted, that’s what I believe.)

“Sing it grandpa!”
(Yeah, sure, rejoice in your successful spousal killing while you hit on cousin Mel to replace grandma with a younger incestuous woman, you sick fuck.)

*  *  *

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
(No, you killed her.)

Walking home from our house Christmas eve
(This was all a setup, I bet you slipped her a roofie in her eggnog.)

You can say there's no such thing as Santa
(But you’d be in denial at this point and possibly aiding and abetting.)

But as for me and grandpa we believe
(… in murder, rape, incest etc.)

Merry Christmas!
(Yeah, Merry Christmas indeed you fucking freaks!)

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer album

It’s hard not to see the political connotation this song has this year, if you replace the word “Reindeer” with “Giant Orange Fuckwit” that is.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! May you NEVER be able to listen to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” the same way again, which is my very special gift to all of you that you can't return for something else, even if you wanted to.