‘Tis the season again for being bombarded with really weird Christmas songs that we all sing along to, but haven't really given the underlying message a second thought. So you know what that means, it's time for overanalyzing another Christmas song that you can NEVER EVER hear again without your mind going to a very dark place.

In the past, I've tackled "The Little Drummer Boy"—I get the sense that little guy is tackled more than a Vatican City altar boy; I've violated the ultra-rapey "Baby, It's Cold Outside"; I've cheapened the overly sexualized and materialistic hookerish song "Santa Baby"; and I've looked down on the overly-condescending and disturbingly arrogant song "Do they Know it's Christmas?"

This year I thought I'd pick apart the song that encourages underage drinking, extortion, blackmail and murder: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas."

This song is a carol from the West Country of England, whose exact origins are a bit disputed, but it is generally agreed upon by most prominent history scholars that anyone who sings it is a complete and utter douchebag. Furthermore, since it is widely accepted as a popular children's Christmas song, those same scholars have also determined through careful scientific analysis that you're a shitty parent.

It's a Trap, Merry Christmas meme
A parent trap, causing you to raise your children to become asshole alcoholic criminals.

"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
With Lyric Analysis!

We wish you a Merry Christmas.
"Oh look, there's children carolers at the door!"
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
"Isn't that sweet, everyone come here and look at the sweet little children singing."
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
"Kind of redundant, but just listen to their sweet angelic voices."
And a Happy New Year.
"Happy New Year to you too, little children."

Good tidings we bring,
To you and your kin.
"Oh, thank you, and to you and yours as well."
Good tidings for Christmas,
And a Happy New Year.
"I mean, yeah, I understood, but thanks for the clarification."

Now bring us some figgy pudding.
"Wait, what?"
Now bring us some figgy pudding.
"Pardon me, but that's terribly rude given the previous verses."
Now bring us some figgy pudding,
"Where are your parents, anyway, I'd like to have a word with them."
And a cup of good cheer.
"WHAT?! Most certainly not, you're far too young to drink alcohol and besides, I honestly don't know what cup is appropriate to drink out of anymore at Christmas. Seriously, somebody needs to explain to me why red is apparently so anti-Christian now, I mean just look at the fuckwit non-Christian behavior of all these red state morons.

We won't go until we get some.
"Okay, this is just getting creepy now, like Children of the Corn kind of creepy, with all this repetitive chanting."
We won't go until we get some.
"Or Colm Feore from Stephen King's Storm of the Century."
We won't go until we get some.
"Get the fuck off my porch before I call the police and child services."
So bring it right here.
"NO! HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE! GET OUT! NOOOOO!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *cough, gurgle, sputter*
(Move onto next house and repeat.)

No Merry Christmas cat meme
Unless of course you make me some elaborate dessert and get me drunk.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! May you NEVER be able to listen to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" the same way again, which is my very special gift to all of you that you can't return for something else, even if you wanted to.

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