First and foremost, I’d like to say congratulations. You’re either lucky enough to currently be inside Paul Simon’s beautiful bathroom, rummaging through his medicine cabinet, or you have the forethought to plan for such an event. In either case, you’re clearly a person of high caliber and for this I commend you.
With not a stray pubic hair in sight nor a drop of urine on the toilet’s rim, time seems to come to an eternal, blissful stillness here inside this exquisite lavatory. Perhaps Ponce de León should have searched for the Fountain of Youth here, for this bathroom contains all that he sought. Here are the top five items from Paul Simon’s medicine cabinet that would make perfect souvenirs.
Paul’s Philips Norelco Multigroom
The Philips Norelco All-In-One trimmer is the perfect tool for men’s grooming needs. With DualCut technology that gives you maximum precision, a high-quality rubber handle for superior comfort, and 18 tools for your head, face, and body, this product is the ultimate machine for those interested in perfecting their look.
Even though the Norelco retails at only $39.99 (shockingly affordable for such a versatile product), if you have the opportunity to swipe Paul Simon’s, I recommend you do so. Look at Paul Simon’s face. You think that happens by accident? Of course not. If you were lucky enough to gaze upon Mr. Simon disrobed, and could bask in the wonders of his perfectly smooth, hairless body, it would only further prove my point.
Paul’s Tweezers That He Used to Pull the Shrapnel Out of His Shoulder After Intentionally Shooting Himself During the “Still Crazy” Sessions
It’s not every day you get to take a bona fide piece of history like this pair of tweezers away from their rightful owner. Paul Simon brought them with him to the recording studio in New York City, 1975, to record his beloved album, “Still Crazy After All These Years.” Growing frustrated because he could only think of 49 ways to leave a lover, Simon infamously blasted himself with a shotgun in an attempt to get his adrenaline up and fuel his creativity. The stunt worked, and as soon as he finished the take, Simon dug each red hot piece of shrapnel out of his arm with the tweezers. The album went on to win two Grammys and yielded four Top 40 hits.
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters
Of all Paul’s awards and honors, the single thing he is most proud of is his incomplete collection of state quarters (of which he has 30 or so out of the 50). Simon is so proud of his quarters that he hides them in an empty Advil container to keep them safe. Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins. You can use them for Snickers bars, gumballs, or just keep them handy so if you’re ever in a position where you have to determine whether someone lives or dies, you can let the flip of a coin determine their fate for you.
Paul’s Emeralds, Said to Contain the Souls of Each Woman Who Pledged Their Love to Him
Jackpot! Paul Simon was severely mistaken when he thought hiding these precious gemstones in his medicine cabinet was the safest place for them. Legend has it that if you hold the Sacred Stones of Simon tightly enough, you can feel the energy of the women who showered Paul with their eternal love, and begged him to encase their spirits inside the gems. Just be careful; many have been known to go mad from touching the stones. The overwhelming nature of knowing such bliss is too much for most humans to bear.
I’m not exactly sure what you do with gemstones, but you could probably set them up around your house or turn them into a ring or something. On second thought, just take them down to the pawn shop and sell them for a bunch of money. It’s kind of creepy to have trapped souls.
Obviously, when Paul Simon inevitably catches you stealing from his medicine cabinet, he’s going to beat your ass pretty good (he’s only 5’3” but he’s a scrappy fighter). Use this to rub on whatever areas he hits hardest.