The 432-Foot Yacht Melania (formerly Ivana, Marla, Miss Latvia)
Pier 90, Manhattan Terminal
711 12th Avenue
New York, NY 10019
$125 (By personal invitation at whitehouse.gov/yacht. Discounts available with donation to TrumpSettlements.com.)
- Registered Democrats or Independents
- Residents of California or New York
- Members of the press or media
(For complete “No Admittance” list, go to whitehouse.gov/noyacht. As file size is more than 5GB, we recommend using a download manager.)
Live viewing platform into 10-year-old Barron’s personal Trump Tower suite.
- See Barron study Sun Tzu business strategies!
- See tuxedoed waiters serve Barron his daily 7-course lunch of Greek alphabet soup, peanut butter-and-caviar finger sandwiches, and chocolate champagne!
- See Barron crayon his gold filigree walls with graphic caricatures of Hillary Clinton, Megyn Kelly, Elizabeth Warren, Wolf Blitzer, Robert Mueller, and Uncle Vlad!
The Diamond Office
This full-scale replica of President Trump’s historic redesign of the Oval Office into a diamond-shaped room has become the most visited Presidential Library exhibit in history.
• Trump coat of arms carpet (formerly the Presidential Seal)
• Louis XIV-inspired desk (formerly the Resolute desk)
• Full-size Rodin’s “The Kiss” depicting the President and First Lady (formerly the portrait alcove)
• Gilded Jacuzzi spa and rainbow fountain (formerly the fireplace)
This architectural model of the President’s 1,139-mile wall bordering the United States and Mexico displays the project’s status. Due to numerous delays—landowner lawsuits, contractor disputes, bankrupt engineers, the Rebar Stock Scandal, the U.S. Border Patrol walkout, Oligarchgate, the 2018 Del Rio Flood, the discovery of 178 gang tunnels (one through which drug cartel chieftain El Chapo escaped into Jalisco), and a projected annual cost $2.2 billion for graffiti cleanup—the final completion date has not been determined. (Donations welcome at Trump2020.com.)
The Presidential Timeline
This 54-foot-long photo gallery displays the most memorable moments from President Trump’s Administration.
November 13, 2017: Hillary Clinton arriving at the Federal Medical Center, Carswell, in Fort Worth, Texas, to begin serving a two-year term after encrypted files on her email server confirmed that she withheld knowledge that former President Barack Obama forged his birth certificate and was born in Haiti, not Hawaii.
January 22, 2018: Sarah Palin on the steps of the Supreme Court Building after the Senate confirmed her by 1 vote to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. “Justice Ginsburg was a loyal servant to this country,” Palin told the crowd, “but she was no Judge Judy.”
December 12, 2018: Ivanka Trump announcing her divorce from Jared Kushner.
December 13, 2018: Kanye West announcing his divorce from Kim Kardashian and his engagement to Ivanka Trump.
December 14, 2018: Jared Kushner’s tearful press conference announcing he was retiring from public life, donating his fortune to God, giving up his lifelong obsession with toy voyaging, and becoming a Hasidic rebbe in Queens.
April 17, 2019: Photo of the 140th annual White House Easter Egg Roll during which 13 authentic Fabergé eggs, loaned to the White House from prestigious museums around the world, were used instead of real eggs in the popular egg hunt. Mysteriously, none of the priceless eggs were found.
May 3, 2019: Undocumented Mexican U.S. residents celebrating after President Trump’s executive order trucked them into internment camps across southwestern Arizona and they discovered their new quarters were superior to where they were living before. “Look – they love me now!” Trump declared. “We’ll have no more problems with Mexico from now on, believe me.”
July 11, 2019: Vice President Mike Pence announcing his resignation after it was revealed that his “speaking in tongues” during church service was, in fact, Russenorsk, an extinct language mixing Russian vocabulary and Norwegian grammar, through which he unconsciously revealed Polaris submarine vulnerabilities, noxious menstrual scents, and Norwegian potato flatbread recipes.
Jan 4, 2019: President Trump informing reporters aboard Air Force One that he was cutting short his Moscow summit after the First Lady informed him she would not be returning as she was in love with the Russian leader. “Putin did a very bad thing,” Trump told the press, “but other than that, we got along great – he has Billy Bush’s number on speed dial, too. As for Melania, I have no memory of her, to be honest. Were we even married? I’ll have somebody look into that.”
June 22, 2019: Former President Barack Obama giving his inaugural speech in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, after winning the presidency despite opponents brandishing “definitive proof” that he was born in Uruguay, not Haiti.
October 31, 2019: Eric Trump lambasting reporters for “continuing to perpetuate” the rumor that he drinks blood moments before vomiting a quart of it on the sidewalk.
December 4, 2019: President Trump tweeting North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, which escalated into “Twitter War III” that resulted in North Korea launching a rocket that went off course, destroying a Russian drifting ice station in the Arctic Ocean, and the U.S. deploying an anti-ballistic missile that went off course, sinking one of the Aleutian Islands.
January 5, 2020: Stack of WikiLeaks documents released the day before the impeachment hearings of President Trump. The “revolting” personal revelations about the panel members forced them all to recuse themselves, scuttling the investigation.
November 4, 2020: President Trump waving under a blizzard of confetti in the Trump Tower ballroom after defeating Senator Al Franken in the largest electoral landslide (538-3) in American history despite garnering only 33,000 popular votes.
December 14, 2020: President Donald Trump weds Kim Kardashian in front of the U.S. Capitol before an estimated crowd of 1,000 on the National Mall. The White House later corrected the “typo” to 1,000,000.
Enjoy Donald Trump’s new series of Executive Order books:
- The Art of the Steal
- Inherit and Grow Rich
- The Power of Positive Disinformation
- The 7 Habits of Highly Entitled People
BONUS: With each purchase, we’ll send you “The Donald’s Most Notable Speeches”—this slim pamphlet fits in your shirt pocket for instant inspiration!
- Trump Power (business attire; ties extra-long fit!)
- Trump Resort (golf and leisure attire)
- Trump Boudoir (assistive-device attire)
PLUS: Trump Mogul Bronzers, Trump Mogul Hair Wind-Stabilizers, and Trump Mogul Belly Concealers!
- “America First!” mouse pads
- “I’m Deplorable” and “I’m Proud!” license-plate holders
- “What Climate Change?” snowglobes
- Coal paperweights
And many more!
- “You’re Fired!” mugs (choose among Paul Manafort, Corey Lewandowski, Angela Reid, Chris Christie, Preet Bharara, Mike Flynn, Sally Yates, James Comey, Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, and others TBA)
- “Lock ‘Er Up!” keychains
- “Lyin’ Ted” ashtrays
- “Fake News” toilet paper
- “Obamacare” wastebaskets
- “Tweeter-in-Chief” phone cases
- “Build the Wall!” piñatas
- “Crooked Hillary” pantsuit Bobbleheads—in 28 Teletubby colors!