We would like to take a special moment at this time to recognize and fully appreciate our Teacher of the Year, Mr. Richard Head. Mr. Head has served as our Social Studies and English Teacher for the past 47-and-a-half months, successfully preparing students to enter the big, hard world in front of them.
Mr. Head’s Classes
Mr. Head teaches a variety of interesting classes including Post-Apocalyptic World History, Introduction to Pre-General Basic English Grammar, and The Sociology of Sodomy in Pre-Historic Societies. But no matter what subject is being taught, whether it’s English or Social Studies, Mr. Head always takes grammar very seriously. So make sure your sentences don't contain any dangling modifiers…or else Mr. Head will correct you after class when the other students are gone.
Because his grading system is incredibly stiff and his instruction methods are extremely firm, many students often get frustrated and call him a dick. But Richard Head is no Dick! No matter how busy his schedule gets, he is always willing to tutor students with their academic papers. He is very good at showing them how to insert proper grammar and parallel structure in order to produce successful and penetrating academic thesis statements.
Although Mr. Head is a demanding teacher, he truly knows how to interact with students and relate to them on a personal level. A student once sincerely asked him, “Will my formal education actually lead to enlightenment and happiness later on in life?” The boy was promptly disciplined and sent to the school therapist.
Mr. Head’s Personal Life
Mr. Head is a fascinating individual. When he isn't teaching class, he often writes books. In fact, he recently wrote a book titled, Ambiguous Homonyms: Everything You Really Wanted To Know About Grammar…But Were Too Afraid To Ask. He is also currently working on another one titled, Closets and Coordinating Conjunctions: You Can't Hide From Grammar Anymore.
Richard Head is not married, and he has made no attempt to actually date anyone. One unique aspect of Mr. Head's personality is that he rarely socializes with people his own age (or even adults in general). He is simply too absorbed by his life-long quest to educate and instruct youngsters.
His spare time is devoted to his numerous interesting hobbies, one of which includes talking long evening strolls down a crooked trail that leads past an abandoned tire factory and goes directly into a section of the woods that most town locals are afraid to enter.
Recent School News
As we celebrate the achievements of one of our teachers, we would also like to take this time to remember the extremely unfortunate passing of one of our students earlier this year, Daniel T. Bagging. Daniel was an outstanding student in the junior class who suffered a traumatic brain injury during a football game. He was taken to the emergency room where both doctors and nurses immediately noticed that the injury had caused him to engage in some rather strange behavior, such as drooling and gurgling incessantly, twisting his own body backward in a perfect 90-degree angle, and speaking ancient foreign languages that he couldn't possibly have known.
Over the next few days, Daniel went into critical condition. The school held a special evening of prayer for Daniel at the Campus Chapel. Students, faculty, staff, and family members all gathered together to offer sincere prayers for Daniel's safety and well-being, hoping that the Lord would bless him and guide him through the difficult times and eventually lead him to a life of love, fulfillment, and happiness. Daniel died the next morning.
His funeral was attended by our school headmaster, Mr. Zip Longrod.
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Here at St. Peter's Local School of Moral and Spiritual Uprightness, we take time to recognize those teachers who have gone above and beyond in their mission to prepare our students for the real world. When the barrier between student life and adulthood is pulled down, we sincerely hope that each of our graduates will stand out as a bulging success.
Therefore, it is our immense pleasure to recognize Mr. Richard Head as one of those special teachers who has had a massive, deep, and enormously huge impact on his students.