Hello Sharks!

Are you like me? Do you get up every morning feeling groggy and tired? So you go make a huge pot of coffee and pump it full of unhealthy sugar and fatty creamer because that's the only way you can stomach the amount of acidic coffee needed to get you through the day. Then, you walk into your living room, gaze over your huge pile of thousands of children's teeth, and ask yourself, “How can I make this mountain of kid teeth even larger?”

Well, I've devised a system. I'm seeking a cash infusion of $500,000 in exchange for a 25% stake in my company. This doesn't just entitle you to 25% of all profits, it entitles you to 25% of all teeth collected from the children as well. Molars included! Which one of you enamel animals wants in?

Kevin, I knew you'd ask about the numbers. Right now, we are “pre-revenue.” But, while we aren't collecting money, we are collecting hundreds of teeth every night and are projected to collect one million teeth by the end of the next fiscal year.

Sure, we don't make a profit; but neither does Uber.

No, Damon, we don't sell the teeth. I mean, you can sell your cut if you want, not sure why you'd want to though. These are fresh, high-quality children's teeth!

It's not weird.

Since you asked, Mark, the money you invest will go directly toward funding my operation. I need liquid cash flow. My arrangement involves sliding a few bucks under the pillow of a sleeping child in exchange for their gently used and recently removed head bones.

I'm sure you all would be fawning over the chance to get into bed with Santa Claus but, Kevin, you'll appreciate this: I spend, on average, 167% less per child annually than Santa Claus. And he just gets cookies from the kids, not their sweet, sweet child ivories.

Plus, I don't have Santa's travel expenses. No going around figuring out what people want for Christmas. All I want for Christmas is some kid's two front teeth, and that kid is willing to give me those teeth!

What do you mean, “What am I going to do with kid teeth?” Whatever you want! You don't ask me what I do with my cut and I don't ask what you do with yours. Decorate your house with them, fill your pool with them and go full Scrooge McDuck. I don't care. When someone comes in here asking for money for their doohickey you don't ask them what they plan on spending the profits on once they're successful do you?

Laurie, you work with QVC. Don't they sell tools for pulling teeth? Well, maybe they should. No, I don't have a tooth-pulling machine to sell on QVC, I'm just saying maybe someone should make one and sell it there. Have you even been watching the presentation? I just do tooth collection. It's like you're going up to a guy with a stamp collection and asking if he makes the stamps.

It's not creepy. Stop saying that.

Why is everyone so weirded out by this? It's not like the kids are still using the teeth! The parents are just going to throw them away. So why not just give them to me in exchange for a little walking around change?

Don't I have enough children's teeth already? I don't know Kevin, don't you have enough money already? See how stupid that sounds?

Where is all this judgment coming from? Damon, you work in fashion. You understand that sometimes people want things they don't need. These children's chompers are like that. Sort of a status symbol I guess. Except, I would never show my collection to anyone. Get your own teeth, pervs.

You know what, no more questions. You either “get it” or you don't. The teeth game isn't for everyone. You're either an appreciator of these sweet, enamel-covered mouth gems or you're not. I can't explain it to you. It's like algebra, it's not something that can be taught or explained.

So, who's in, Sharks?