Romeo and Juliet
A timeless tale of two lovers that never flake, Romeo and Juliet is about a romance gone awry when Romeo slays Juliet’s cousin, the Instagram influencer TybaltSunshine33. Both still live with their parents.
Torn between his love for Rome and Caesar, Brutus confronts his quarter-life crisis of whether he should stab Caesar or become a travel blogger. He eventually gets looped into the other Senators’ group thread, culminating in a Facebook event called “Surprise Party for Jules (Bring Your Own Knife).”
Unable to afford rent in Park Slope, Prospero is evicted and moves to New Jersey, where he is forced to homeschool his daughter Miranda on how to start a business that creates passive income. Initially vowing revenge on Park Slope’s gentrifiers, he ultimately forgives them when he witnesses their agony during an R train breakdown.
With not long to live, King Lear questions which of his three daughters loves him the most in a weird attempt at feminism. Cordelia, Lear’s favorite, writes a poem in the voice of Rupi Kaur, but it doesn’t matter anyway because everyone dies.
A Midsummer Night's Dream
A story about a gender-fluid fairy that has a side hustle of drugging people.
Jealous of Othello, Roderigo conspires with Iago to hatch an intricate plan of publicly shaming the Moorish prince on Twitter, but their schemes are foiled because of scheduling conflicts.
The twins Viola and Sebastian are separated during a shipwreck, but fortunately get marooned on a beautiful island that’s brimming with romance and intrigue and boundless opportunities for Instagram.
Literally The Lion King without any of the lions, any of Africa, any majestic rock, or any Nathan Lane.
After three psychics tell Macbeth that he’ll become King of Scotland, Lady Macbeth goes all Lemonade on her husband until he fulfills his promise of watching a YouTube tutorial on murdering kings.
Basically just Game of Thrones.