From: Mike Pence
Dear White Jesus,
Gracious Lord thank you for Chick-Fil-A. A family-friendly chicken restaurant that never uses the word “brea*t.” They had my order ready for pickup and you delivered me from temptation, because I didn’t have to eat alone with a woman. The truth is, women just can’t help themselves around my pleated pants. Frankly, I try to treat them like a man, you know discuss politics, but then next thing you know BANG! My marriage is over. Guns don’t kill families, women do.
From: Marco Rubio
I am heartbroken that this tragedy happened in Florida and affected so many students. I am personally deeply impacted by the tragedy—that no university in Florida qualified for the College Football Playoffs. This sort of emergency demands government intervention to ensure this tragedy will not repeat itself. In the words of public school student Lorenzo Prado of Parkland, Fl, “What we must do now is enact change because that is what we do to things that fail: We change them.”
From: Steve King
RETURN TO SENDER — Illegible
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From: Ted Cruz
Enact your holy wrath on those that stand against our God given right to bear arms. I pray that you intervene in my enemies lives who, instead of dealing with the real issues, ramble about justice and healthcare for the poor, the widowed, and the orphaned. Please provide automatic and military grade weapons to the good guys so that we may bring peace on earth.
From: Donald Trump
As you know from the news programs a lot of people are comparing me to Nixon now. Can you believe that? I don’t know why they’re doing this. But I assume it’s because with some luck, not a lot, just a little luck I could be the first President to appoint three or more supreme court justices in their first term since Nixon. People are saying that Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s not too healthy and isn’t even allowed to eat KFC. If she were to die it would be so big, it would be huge for the supreme court. Is that nice for me to say? Well, it’s not un-nice.
I’m coming to ask for a favor: should you help me out and open her seat on the supreme court, I will nominate you for the position. My administration would be the first to appoint a member of the Holy Trinity to the Supreme Court, or any governmental agency for that matter. It’s a life term, which I’m told for you is eternity. Not only will you be able to protect the second amendment, but you’ll be closer to my staff. This should make it easier to watch Mike Pence.
Your #1 fan,
Donald J. Trump, M.B.A. from Wharton, an Ivy League School