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First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!"
Your mama’s so broke she doesn’t even make cents! Which is a shame because she’s worked hard for everything in this life.
That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?
Thanks to the PTA and a few passionate teachers, an after-school grammar club is formed so kids like me have a safe place to diagram sentences.
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
I know, it’s such a cliché: “This year, no more eating children! Not even the wicked ones!” But it makes sense.
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?