Believe me, the last thing I want to talk about is me and what’s in my asshole during times like these. Everyone who knows me knows I’m a private person. But seeing all my wonderful Facebook friends’ posts about Black Lives Matter, and wearing a mask to save lives in the fight against the virus, I suddenly felt empowered. Like it was my time to speak up. And boy, do I have something to say.

There’s a Buzz Lightyear toy stuck up my ass. And it hurts.

Things are changing in our country, that’s for sure. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus. And while I don’t want to be a nuisance, opening up the conversation about it is the first step to change. Speaking of change, while I believe the change in our country will make us better in the long run, this molded piece of Disney fandom has been in my bunghole for the better part of a month. Buzz is really reaching to infinity and beyond, and it’s beginning to inhibit my ability to shit. Oh, is that too graphic for you? We need to be able to talk about these things that are happening in the world, specifically my life, no matter if it’s graphic or not. Because it’s my reality.

Now more than ever, we need a distraction from the news. People like you, reader, need a palette cleanser from the protests, fascism, graphic police brutality videos, and Sean Hannity. We’re in a 24/7 news cycle and I don’t see why we can’t dedicate some air time to the toy stuck up my ass. Can we skip the 1988 Super Bowl rerun? Skip the seven-day weather report too, I mean, just look outside. We need the masses to know what’s up the asses, specifically my own.

Not everyone knows what it’s like to be racially profiled or know someone that’s been diagnosed with COVID-19, but I feel everyone can relate to getting a kid’s toy stuck up their ass. You know how kids are these days with their TikToks, their hopscotch, and sticking toys up their parents’ asses. It’s so disgusting no one can rally around me and support this no-nonsense cause. We aren’t going to get universal healthcare, but we can get this toy out of my ass.

If not now, when? When will it be socially appropriate to talk about the hero from the Toy Story universe up my bootyhole? I did the Blackout Tuesday thing to amplify Black voices, specifically the ones who may not have a kid’s meal toy stuck in their crevices. But now I’m seeing people taking pictures of their brunch on outdoor patios wearing no masks and I’m back to getting recruited for pyramid schemes. Does that make it okay to move on from this police brutality thing or are we still going to focus on that? You know, we can defund the police and also work together on getting the Buzz Lightyear toy out of my ass.

Listen, we all have our causes. Some of those causes like begging the police to stop killing people based on the color of their skin is admirable. I’ve been absolutely inspired to see the hundreds of thousands that have taken to the streets in all 50 states and around the world to fight for the cause and I just want to know why no one has done that for me? Why is no one willing to loot a Target or better yet, a Toys ‘R’ Us for me? Do you guys need ideas for signs? Here’s a few: “BYE BYE BUZZ!”, “END STUCK TOYS,” or “GET THE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR TOY OUT OF THIS GUY’S ASS!” Even your racist uncle can get behind my behind, the cause being getting the toy out of my ass.

At this point, I’m truly at a loss of what else I could say to make you people care about my situation. My well-being. My need for attention. While everyone is yapping about the pandemic blah blah blah and the revolution blah blah blah, they’re missing on what’s right in front of them: me. Remember, the tanked economy isn’t the only one getting banged in the ass. So am I—but with a Buzz Lightyear miniature. So I challenge you to start the conversation about it. About me. It’s time my asshole got the respect it deserves. It’s time to focus on the real issues. So, what do I have to do for you to start paying attention, stick something up my butt?