1. August 8, 1996  – The Maroon One

Identifying Marks: Band logo on the front.
Missing From: Back seat of your POS first car.
Last Seen: On that stoner kid you gave ride to the coffee shop.
Reward: A bag of mostly stems and seeds.

2. January 27, 2004 – The Dark Blue One

Identifying Marks: Abercrombie & Fitch logo on the front. Smells like Milwaukee’s Best and shame.
Missing From: The floor of your freshman dorm.
Last Seen: On that one-night stand doing walk of shame across campus.
Reward: Box of prophylactics.

3. October 3, 2007 – The Light Gray One

Identifying Marks: Local brewery logo on front.
Missing From: Your one-bedroom apartment across the street from that dive bar.
Last Seen: On that person you were engaged to for six months.
Reward: 1/26th carat diamond ring purchased from Costco.

4. March 15, 2010 – The Pink One

Identifying Marks: Ironic saying on the front. Slight smell of local coffee shop on open mic night.
Missing From: The back of that fixed speed bike you tried to ride for a month before realizing how much easier it was to drive.
Last Seen: On that bike delivery guy with neon shorts and a scraggly beard.
Reward: A pack of American Spirit cigarettes.

5. November 1, 2013 – The Green One

Identifying Marks: Corporate logo of that company you worked for before they “down-sized.”
Missing From: The back of the chair in that tiny cubicle where you sold your soul for reasons you’re still not sure of.
Last seen: On that asshole person that had the cube next to you and always microwaved fish for lunch.
Reward: The $500 that was in your 401k before you were “down-sized.”

6. June 18, 2016 – The Red One

Identifying Marks: “World's Best Dad” on the front, juice stain on left arm, and a handful stale Cheerios in the front pocket.
Missing from: That ugly but functional minivan you bought after the birth of your second child.
Last seen: At the playground across the street from you “starter home.”
Reward: The stale Cheerios.

7. December 2, 2020 – The Dark Gray One

Identifying Marks: The logo of your favorite golf brand on the front. In perfect condition with a few broken tees in the front pocket.
Missing From: The dresser you and your ex-spouse bought for the new house.
Last Seen: Packed in a box your ex got in the divorce.
Reward: A hearty “thank you” because your bank account is empty from the divorce.

8. March 3, 2021 – The Rust-Colored One

Identifying Marks: Las Vegas on the front and bits of glitter falling off it.
Missing From: You can’t remember. It was Vegas.
Last Seen: On that exotic dancer from that one night, Friday maybe?
Reward: Lap dance.

9. October 7, 2027 – The Yellow One

Identifying Marks: Expensive sports car logo on the front, and two Cialis pills in the front pocket.
Missing From: The resort you stayed at while dealing with your mid-life crisis.
Last Seen: On that young lady you were dating before she left you for someone closer to her own age.
Reward: Man facial.

10. April 5, 2042 – The Green One

Identifying Marks: “I’d Rather Be Fishing” with a picture of a bass on the front.
Missing From: Not sure, you can’t remember where you left heart pills let alone that damn sweatshirt.
Last Seen: Your pretty sure you saw those damn kids down the street with it. Their parents need to raise them better.
Reward: Pack of Depends and four bottles of Ensure.

Continue to Part 2, “Oh, the Hoodies I've Found” »

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