Hotel clerk: Welcome to Paris! What brings you to our lovely city?

Alex Morgan: We’re the US Women’s National Soccer Team and we’re here for the 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup!

Hotel clerk: Actually, it’s called “football.”

Bellhop: Isn’t that nice? A soccer league just for women! Such a fun hobby to have. Would you like me to fill your ice bucket before I depart?

Megan Rapinoe: No, thank you. By the way, we’re professionals…and the defending world champions.

Bellhop: Wonderful! My daughter played in a league where every player took home a “world champion participant” trophy too. Have fun on your vacation!

Stadium security: It’s dangerous, wearing something that makes you look that good. Did you get all dolled up just for me, honey?

Julie Ertz: This is my required uniform for the world-class athletic competition in which I am participating.

Stadium security: Oh baby, you’re trouble, aren’t you?

Carli Lloyd: Excuse me, sir, but I really don’t think that deserved a yellow card.

Referee: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no need to get hysterical!

Carli Lloyd: I’m sorry but, with all due respect, I disagree with your call.

Referee: *pulls out another yellow card*

Tobin Heath: I went up for the header and landed awkwardly. It’s really hard to put weight on my right leg. There’s a sharp pain in my knee. I’d rate the pain right now at about an 8 out of 10.

Trainer: Hmm, a 4 out of 10. In that case, I’m gonna rub some Icy Hot on your knee and you can get back out there!

Tobin Heath: I really can’t walk on it though…

Trainer: Oh… well, why don’t we do a pregnancy test too just to be safe?

Reporter: So, when are you going to have kids?

Ali Krieger: Right now I’m focused more on being the best soccer player I can be, but I also do outreach with children in the community and support a non-profit working to end homophobia and transphobia in sports.

Reporter: You can’t fight your maternal instincts forever! Some things are more important than achieving the highest honors in the sport you’ve spent your entire life playing.

Morgan Brian: We’ve been wildly more successful than the U.S. Men’s National Team and generated more revenue, but our team is paid significantly worse. This cannot stand.

Some guy: Listen, I’m all for “equal pay for equal work,” but can’t we agree that the men’s team works harder because they play against better teams?

Women everywhere: Go fuck yourself.