Please mark the one box that identifies the religion (or lack thereof) with which you primarily identify.

CHRISTIAN-PROTESTANT

Excellent choice! 42 of our 45 presidents have identified as Protestants. You have “all the stuff” needed to be president—assuming you’re also a white male, of course. Get to campaigning!

But to be clear, by “Protestant,” we mean Episcopal, Presbyterian, Methodist, Baptist, or Evangelical. Quakers may have been eligible historically, but are now considered “just weird.”

CHRISTIAN-CATHOLIC

Oh wow. Not a great choice.

Sure, Catholics are technically Christians—and some of the first ones at that!

But today’s voters require that you be “saved.” If you can’t testify about your awakening—about the one specific moment when accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior—you will be eyed with suspicion.

Therefore, the 70 million or so of you who are Catholic are considered unelectable. Unless you look like John F. Kennedy, of course. But you, sir, are no Jack Kennedy.

JEWISH

The country is kind of thinking about maybe being somewhat open to possibly considering a Jewish president—perhaps—but it’s really just talk for now.

You do support Israel, so that’s a plus. But you’ll make the electorate nervous, for reasons no one can coherently verbalize. Maybe they think you actually WILL let the meek inherit the earth?

Who knows, but you’re definitely not going to be president.

EASTERN RELIGIONS (BUDDHIST, HINDU)

This is the presidency you’re applying for, not Eat, Pray, Love.

MUSLIM

Regrettably, though you may have been born in the US, and though your family may have been in the US for generations, you will be labeled as “not American.”

Really, there’s no reason for you to even try running for the presidency. It won’t go well.

OTHER RELIGION

Please provide additional information in the lines below, so that your electability may be further considered but ultimately rejected.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

 ATHIEST, AGNOSTIC, OR NON-THEIST

Absolutely not electable under all circumstances.

PRIVATELY NON-RELIGIOUS, BUT WILLING TO:

  • Purport to be religious
  • Attend church services on high holidays
  • Engage an appropriate spiritual advisor to the president
  • Attend the National Prayer Breakfast
  • Clear public squares and peaceful protests with pepper spray (which is definitely not a chemical irritant), so you can get a glamour shot looking like Moses holding the commandments upon high, except it will be you holding a prop bible, which may or may not be upside down, and is probably a hollow book safe that holds your stimulants

Congratulations! You are electable as President of the United States, with Russia’s help.

RELIGIOUS BUT NOT SPIRITUAL

A hard “no.” This isn’t OkCupid.


And now a quick joke...

I don’t like kids. That’s why I had low self-esteem as a child.