One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.
I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.
My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.
The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.
Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.
Strong passwords must exercise regularly to maintain their strength.
In the joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” the chicken did intend to do so, but unfortunately met a car and crossed over to the “other” side.
When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I meant better for myself.
— Daniel Gujic, @zvoncek5
Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.
“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”
“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective
When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”
Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.
God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.
Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.
I let Jesus take the wheel but ended up at a crossroads.
Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?
I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.
I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus. But I have 13 followers, and he only had 12.