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Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.

I'm built different. Worse.

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.

“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.

At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.

How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?

If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.

I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.

The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”