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My first grade teacher was Mrs. Password.

They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.

The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.

I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?

Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.

When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.

Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.

You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.

You are not you're mistakes.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?

What is the difference between a poet and a CEO? A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.

A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.

Frugal church seeks organ donor.

My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.

It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.

—First name?
—Sir Jeff.

Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.