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They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.

For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.

Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.

Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.

I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”

I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.

I’m an activist and scholar whose praxis embodies the intersections between liberation from systemic injustice and screaming demeaning names at strangers.

My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.

Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of

Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”

I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.

McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.

Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”

“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”

Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees

“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.

Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.

Magicians don’t retire, they become disillusioned.

Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.