The most recent one-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke

Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.

Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.

It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.

If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?

*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”

My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.

It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.

Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.

If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.

When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.

You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.

I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.

Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?

I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.

I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.