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I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.

If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?

If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.

“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”

“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”

Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.

Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.

🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵

Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.

Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.

It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.

Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.

Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.

If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”