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Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.

Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.