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I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.

The drum: sounds' trampoline.

Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?

I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.

Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.

If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.

They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”

I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.

It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.

I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.

Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?

I recently bought memory supplements, but then forgot to take them.

Without my memory, who am I?

I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.

People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”

My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.

If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.

If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.

They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.

My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.