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Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.
No matter how well read you are, there’s always someone weller read.
I called tech support for my quantum computer. They told me to turn it both on and off simultaneously.
I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.
In my family, we don't believe in punishing our kids. At least, not until they untie us.
I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”
If blindfolded, could a professional investment manager tell the difference between common shares of Coke and Pepsi? Discuss.
I gave my wife a dozen roses. She never needs to know that I ate the other dozen on the way home.
My uncle used to advise me to never forget Leg Day, which was just what he called the day he lost his leg.
There's nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.
“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.
I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.
They say live your life like it’s your last day on Earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on Earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.
When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.
Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?
I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Yesterday!
What's the punctuation you're supposed to use to end a statement? No that's not it
A genie's biggest fear has got to be a lava lamp.
I knew this failed sculpture—huge chip on his shoulder.