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Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY

Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx

You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.

People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”

“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.

My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?

Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.

Gravity was its own downfall.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.

Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.