One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.
— Dylan Wain, @ZTohbar
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.
My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.
The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.
“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.
If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?
Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY
Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx
You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.
People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.
Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack
Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”