So you've decided to become an internet writer. That's great, man or woman. Really groovy great. I mean, if there's one thing I've learned about internet writers, it's that they write on the internet. And I, for one, am an internet writer. Some would even say an internet humor writer. Others would say douchebag. But most people wouldn't say anything at all because they're busy being entertained in more mainstream fashions. Nevertheless, I have advice. It's free so you know it's adequately priced.

Internet humorists use only a few cliché kinds of comedy tricks. If you learn them, you'll have more jokes up your sleeves than fingers on your hands (note: you should have ten fingers on your hands if you count your thumbs, and I think we should all consider our thumbs as totally awesome fingers). On to the comedy lessons, people!

The Power of Lists

You remember that episode of Family Guy where marijuana is legal, so Peter's so stoned that he can't do his cutaways and instead just lists all of the celebrities he doesn't like? Yeah, well internet writers are the equivalent of a stoned Peter Griffin. Pretty much all we do is write lists of stuff we find funny. No one else cares, but content's not all that important on the internet. It's all about links or something. Hey, let's pretend I can segue.

The Wait What Joke

Ahh, the Wait What Joke. It is the shit. You see, what you do is you say something outlandish like “all Ukrainian Women use hot sauce as lube,” then you pause and write, “Wait… what?” Oh yeah, the Wait What joke is a timeless classic. Much like The Haterade.

The Haterade

You know what I hate? Fucking people who just sit and write lists of all the things they hate and call it comedy! Those people can suck my dick! Fuck the fucking fuckers. They're almost as bad as the assholes who do that “line through it” joke.

The Line Through It Joke

You know the one, where you write a word that you don't mean, and then cross it out, like “I think General Patton was an awesome war monger person.” That way, everyone can see that you really meant to write “war monger” but you corrected it because you don't want to seem that outlandish. I love that joke like a fat kid loves overused similes.

Overused Similes

I love overused similes like a fat kid loves cake. I mean I am so into them that I would make love to them if I could. Overused similes are the glue that binds the internet humorists to his or her comparisons. They are the shiz to the nit mc drizzle wizzle.

The FJM Style

Find a dumb column and do running commentary throughout it. This never fails. Except when it fails. Wait, what?

The Live Blog

Believe you me, there is nothing funnier than just ripping on whatever happens to be on television one night because you're alone and lonely and a total loser and God I need a hug. Is a hug too much to ask?

The Self-Depreciation

All ten of my readers know that I love the depreciation of self. If I was a talented writer, I wouldn't have to rely on it, but I'm not. Look at my list! My list is proof of my inadequacy, dammit!

The Tautology

This neat trick was in my opening paragraph. And you know what they say? When a tautology is in your opening paragraph, that means a tautology is in your opening paragraph. I am fucking witty!

Writing humor on the internet is a difficult and sometimes interesting endeavor. And like pretty much everything else that exists in life, if you want to guarantee that you will entertain and interest the majority of people who read your site, you simply must be exactly like everyone else. Or as Homer Simpson never said, “Every good internet article includes at least one gratuitous Simpsons quote.”

And you can take that to the bank.


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Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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