This is the greatest cereal I've ever eaten. It's crunchy yet smooth; bitter yet sweet. This cereal is like the Civil Rights movement poured into a bowl. If you took every Dragon Force song and added milk, it would be this cereal. Chewing it feels like the scene in King Kong where he battles the T-Rex is unfolding in my mouth. Mmm… and it goes down so smooth, I don't even need a sip of orange juice. It's as if there's a massive Water Country waterslide in my mouth and every cornflake is in line to descend.

Is this even American cereal? Surely something like this can't be purchased in Stop & Shop. This cereal must have floated here on a door from Cuba. The combination of sugar and oats is too delicate to be from the United States. Eating it feels like every fight scene from Rocky is transpiring on my tongue. It's as if every Chuck Norris joke was packed into a breakfast cereal.

Rocky in a boxing ring fight
A white cracker sprinkled with a little dark magic never hurt anybody this good.
This cereal is to breakfast what Doogie Howser was to medicine.

My lips are tingling. Someone definitely sprinkled cocaine on this. Eating this cereal is like the scene from Scarface when Al Pacino collapses into a mountain of coke. I can feel my muscles growing with every bite. It's as if every motivational speech from every sports movie is being read through a microphone down my throat. I can feel the words from Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans echoing down my larynx with every bite! This cereal should be nominated for an Oscar.

How is this cereal even legal? This shit should be sold on the street by a creepy guy named Travis. I feel like I just broke the law by paying so little for this gold. Eating from this bowl is like "The Play" of the 1982 college football game where University of California returned a last second kickoff to beat Stanford University. Oh, THE BAND IS OUT ON THE FIELD!! He's gonna go into the end zone! He's gone into the end zone!! The most amazing, sensational, dramatic, heart-rending… exciting, thrilling finish in the history of breakfast cereal!

This cereal is to breakfast what Babe Ruth was to baseball.

I can't even think of an adjective to describe the taste of this breakfast beauty. It's like someone compiled every funny video of someone getting hit in the balls and made it chewable and delicious. They're going to need to invent a new part-of-speech for this cereal. Some sort of hybrid adjective that will properly illustrate the taste of Brian Urlacher sacking Peyton Manning on the tip of my tongue. If the inspiration unleashed from the song "More Than a Feeling" could be incarnated into a taste, it would be the taste of this cereal.

I think I'm hallucinating. This cereal is so good it's distorting my perspective on life. I am no longer a lonely accountant working a crappy 9-5. I am a superhero, fighting crime in the depths of the night; injecting fear into the souls of felons. This cereal has given me the magical power to levitate. It's like that scene in Unbreakable where Bruce Willis realizes he's invincible—only instead of surviving a train wreck I took a bite of cereal.

Bruce Willis opens a letter
Just one: the day I ran out of milk.
I just got goosebumps. This cereal is pumping through my veins, strengthening my muscles and fortifying my vigor. I feel amazing. It's as if I just broke into a hospital nursery and decapitated all the newborn infants as their parents watched in horror. My heart is racing. It's like every blowjob I've ever gotten has returned to quake my body with pleasure. This cereal has changed my life.

Oh God I'm light-headed. Swallowing this cereal is like swimming in a pool of Jell-O. It's like standing right next to the speaker during a Metallica concert. I can't stop smiling! It's as if every episode of Friends is compiled into my brain! This cereal is to breakfast what the centerfold is to Playboy.

I wonder what the prize inside is. It's almost certainly something mythical and legendary—like a unicorn, or Magic Johnson. If the cereal is this good, the toy must be a work of art. It's probably Megatron. Maybe it's the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. The prize in this box is what Tony Hawk was to the X-Games.

I can't believe it's over. I ate the whole box. It felt like I was being bombarded by dodge balls made of cotton candy. It was like I just sat through an episode of MacGyver. It's like I just devoured a rainbow. I don't think there is any other activity in the known universe that could possible satisfy my as much as that bowl of cereal just did. I think it is completely debatable that the breakfast I just consumed created life on Earth; that cereal was God.

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