Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Hopscotch: The Knee-Buckling Killer" and "Betty, God and You: A Love Triangle Built on Fear."

I'm here today to tell you a little bit about the okays and not okays of internet dating.

While both are fundamentally pathetic and wrong, internet dating is fast becoming a great way to meet like-minded losers who fear a lonely death as much as you do. Sometimes even more!

"But, Troy. I don't know which dating site to use. They all sound so great."

Oh, hello, Terry. Many dating sites claim to be the best, but there are a few things to look for to tell what caliber of mate they're hawking.

One thing to look for is pictures. Many over-weight, left-handed, or just plain ugly freaks frequent online dating sites. Check for photographic evidence that Miss "Some people say I'm cute" is really what she claims to be. Don't settle for pictures she provides—conduct a thorough search of police records, traffic cameras, local boutiques, and detective agencies for a more recent photograph. After all, you don't want a fatty on your arm do you?

"Boy that sure sounds like a lot of work, Troy."

You couldn't be more wrong, Terry. Tracking down a stranger you haven't met is as easy as A-B-C.

"A" means alter your identity to create a buffer between you and your potential mate. Because private eyes have very public, big mouths.

"B" means bastard. As in, make sure she doesn't have any of those running around. Think about it this way: if the real father won't claim it, why should you?

"That's great advice, Troy."

Hahaha, of course it is, Kevin.


Of course…. And, last but not least, "C" stands for our award-winning phrase "Culpability is for chumps." Why take the blame and responsibility for something you did when the blame can just as easily be dumped onto a third-party scapegoatcepticle? Be sure to wipe clean any remnants of investigation from any personal computers, cellular telephones, holographic night-vision goggles, ski masks, or top hats.

"Is that all I need to know about internet dating, Troy?"

Not on your life, Billy. As you mentioned earlier, how can a person possibly decide which dating site is for them when there are just so many out there? Well, luckily for you, we here at InvestoDateo, Inc. have done all the legwork for you. Here are three easy tips that point you towards the right online dating solution.

Tip #1: Know yourself.

If your strong suit is sweet-talking then a site that requires a period of correspondence will suit you well. If you have trouble coming up with interesting things to say, try one of the more no-nonsense, now-oriented sites that promote a quick turnaround. These sites are often inexpensive and, more importantly, confidential.

Tip #2: Religious? Good!

Troy McClure advising a manMany people turn to the internet in lieu of a bar scene full of shattered dreams, pity, and self-loathing. Many of these people also love God. Nearly every religion has its own dating site—just don't expect an easy go of it. To quote one of our time's greatest illusionists, "If that one gets pregnant, it stays pregnant."

Tip #3: If you're looking for a specific sort of woman—be it short, tall, blonde, or Japanese—then the answer is obvious: online dating is not for you.

If you feel empowered enough to narrow down your potential partners to a subset, then you're clearly too picky to be trying to meet someone on the internet. Buy yourself a nice shirt and hit the nearest Coffee Bean.

"But, Troy, where do I take my internet friend on our first date?"

Great question, Jerry. Due to a poor economy and a liberal bias in most major entertainment venues, you probably want to stick to a reliable outdoors-type activity. That way you can really tell if she takes care of herself. Any of the following activities would work just fine: jogging, four-square, shooting skeet, book burning, manning a tower at the border and hunting for aliens, and staging a sting operation for perverts at the mall and then celebrating your crime-fighting victory with an Orange Julius.

"That sounds great, Troy."

It sure does, Gary. It sure does.