Why is it that women refuse to turn off the faucet while they brush their teeth? Every one of my girlfriends has insisted on turning on the water full blast the entire time they brush. It's strange not only because wetting a pea-sized amount of toothpaste (that's right, you don't need to run a line of paste across the brush AND the handle) requires so little water, but by the time you finish brushing, half the sink is full of backed up water (bathroom sink drains are only so big). Perfect! You can spit every last drop of food residue and oral bacteria into a filthy foaming sink pond! Even worse, when I tell them this or walk by and turn off the water, I always get the “Seriously?” eye-roll look. That's why I was excited to see this PSA on a Hulu commercial yesterday:

I'm going to make this part of the “required watching” list for my next relationship, alongside other videos like “Don't Touch Me While I'm Sleeping (Unless It's for You Know What),” “How I Met Your Mother First (It's Not as Bad as It Sounds),” and “Human Centipede (First Sequence).”

How I hookup with women: “I think part of the reason I like cooking so much is that I also like cleaning.”

Toothbrush on the sink with water running
Dramatic reenactment.
How I breakup with women: “This courtship has sailed.”

This may come as old news to you (oh hello, summer of 2011, thanks for that shitty-ass sunburn on my first day of vacation in Miami), but apparently we cured HIV. What's more interesting about the article to me though is learning that 1% of Caucasians are immune to HIV. Did you hear that??! Throw out those condoms, white boys, we just got a third leg up on the competition!

My friend told me he doesn't do one-night stands, but also doesn't want a long-term commitment. He just hangs out with women until he gets bored with them (inevitable), or they start getting too serious (happens to all women by the third date, it's just a matter of when they decide to show it); he calls them “near-term relationships.” I had never heard that term before, but I like it better than “short-term relationship” because “near” implies an impending expiration date, whereas “short” can easily turn into “way longer than it should have been.”

Guys, it is never appropriate to refer to your relationship as “near-term” around other women, especially not your girlfriend. If you're in college, it may be acceptable to use the semester system. Just cross your fingers you're not using the term “trimester” though.

Whenever a woman tells me she's a vegetarian, the first thing that goes through my mind is a parody song I made up years ago in my head: “Oh-oh, here she comes, she's a plant-eater, watch out boy, she'll chew you up.” Because I think if a woman doesn't eat meat, she's more likely to treat you like a piece of one.