Young wizards, welcome to Kilmington. I am Bumblebore, your headmaster, and I am excited for you all to embark on a magical journey. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Professor Hembark will not be here at orientation, or ever, so feel free to direct all questions to me.

I am proud to say that Kilmington is ranked the second-best magic school in the nation. I am confident that we will surpass the Clown College magician program this year, so I expect the highest performance from every one of you, starting today.

Also, I am warning you, we are holding hostage a tech-savvy millennial to keep track of every wizard and witch, lest anyone attempts to enter one of the dozens of extremely dangerous rooms hidden throughout the school.

Worry not. The Dark Lord is in a prison two miles below a remote mountain in Mongolia. Your children are perfectly safe.

On the first day, parents are welcome to accompany their children and help them unpack, but subsequently students should be dropped off a minimum of four miles from this campus, so we can avoid attention and keep the school safe. We are still working on creating a defense system that allows the students inside but immediately destroys all soul-stealers and Girl Scouts in the vicinity. For now, students can utilize our current defense system of house-sized spiders and drugged unicorns as an opportunity to practice the magic they have learned.

Do you have a question, ma’am?

“Can’t the students, like, magically transport themselves into the school?”

No, they do not learn teleportation until their fourth year. We had some minor issues with spontaneous combustion in the past, which is why we pushed it back.

“Will they be safe from the Dark Lord?”

Ah, worry not. The Dark Lord is in a prison two miles below a remote mountain in Mongolia. Your children are perfectly safe.

Back to what I was saying: if for some reason a student encounters an obstacle that stops him from being able to come to school, he can Snapchat the administrative office, and they will promptly send over a flying scooter.

“Why not a broom?”

Scooters work better on the ground.

“Didn’t you hear? The Dark Lord escaped yesterday and blew up the mountain!”

Oh, I must have missed the news. Well, I would not think too much into it. Mongolia is quite far away.

Anyway, wizards and witches should pack everything on the list we handed out: wand, robes, laptops, portable fire extinguishers, organic foo-foo powder, military-grade first-aid kits, frog tongues, pillow covers, et cetera.

“Will they need quill pens?”

Of course not. Where did you get that idiotic idea?

“Can the current defense system protect the students from the Dark Lord?”

Well, statistically, there is a high probability that he is afraid of spiders. I am confident that our barriers can withstand his all-powerful dark magic.

Now, if you could please save your questions for later, I will continue with this crucial information that is imperative for every new wizard and witch to know.

Where was I? Ah, on to spirit days.

Kilmington has an excellent Weesball team, and you can purchase screaming spirit shirts and everlasting bumper stickers in the lobby. I encourage all of the students to dress up for spirit week.

On Halloween, students traditionally wear costumes and compete in a contest. No inappropriate costumes please, including “sexy witch,” “invisible man,” and “charred insides of a person cursed by the gababurn ladahinhell spell.” Past costumes that have won the competition include “black cat,” “Buddy the Elf,” and “receptionist.”

Yes, sir?

“BuzzFeed just reported that the Dark Lord destroyed all of New York City!”

Oh, that is terrible news—I had two tickets to watch a musical there. Well, I am confident the Avengers will fix everything.

Now, back to the point: every student will be placed into one of five families, where they will form life-long relationships with like-minded students. The grouping takes into account a rigorous psychoanalysis and the student’s age at the event of the first tooth falling out. The families will compete with each other to accumulate the highest number of star stickers by the end of the year, which they can earn by answering questions, concocting excellent potions, destroying mega-villains, et cetera. The winning family will be rewarded with a very large plastic trophy at the end of the year!

“BuzzFeed just announced that the Dark Lord is coming towards this area!”

Oh, really? Let me check the surveillance.

Hmm…. Interesting, it looks like he has fried all of the spiders. Please, stop running out of your chairs and screaming.

Once I put this necklace into my mouth, tap my head six times, and cross my eyes, I will be able to time travel back to my wedding day. Ah, there are two events I can prevent from ever happening.