Hi, God of The Bible:

Hope You’re off to a great week!

Wanted to check in and confess that I’ve had some concerns recently vis a vis Your top-down decision making.

Upper management has been attempting to quell frustration here on the ground floor by saying, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Well I for one think that You should not.

You’re God and You’re the boss, but these mysterious ways are really affecting our credibility, and that includes Yours. Frankly, it’s hard to uncouple the fact that your abstract approach without positive customer outcomes may be the explanation for our declining demand curve, including the usual spikes at Christmas and Easter.

Given our personal relationship since I onboarded at Mount Tabor UMC Fall Retreat in 2001, I feel like I can come to You in the Spirit, specifically a spirit of honesty. And honestly? I’m starting to doubt Your validity of being all-seeing and all-knowing. One does not need to be a Book of Numbers guy to see that Your working in mysterious ways has the entire company wandering through Israel without direction on how to reach The Promised Land, metaphorically.

It should also be noted that “mystery” does not align with any of our company’s core values of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control as clearly laid out in the Book of Galatians, which I know You are familiar with.

And while negative outcomes like poverty, politically-motivated war, childhood terminal illness, and The Democratic Party are often blamed on the market conditions of Adam and Eve’s original sin and competition from the likes of Satan and Rachael Maddow, wouldn’t You agree that more transparency would be of benefit?

And this includes a benefit for You! Give credit where credit is due: You work hard and deserve it.

I recognize that I’m presenting a problem without a solution, so here’s one possibility: come back!

While previous PR nightmares have been patched up with strategic messaging of your mysterious ways, now may be the time for an in-person visit. I realize You’ve been working remotely for 2,000+ years, but there really is nothing like seeing actual, suffering human faces. I don’t think it would take long for us to get a lot done, and just imagine all the social media buzz (#GodsBack)!

I really am trying to put You first here, God. If this email has spited you, then I’m truly sorry and hope You will forgive me (I know You will!).

Sincerely & Yours,

P.S. — Could we include a pizza order along with the usual grape juice and crackers for this Sunday’s all-hands meeting?