Soldiers, today you become Air Force pilots. I'm sure you've heard rumors about pilots encountering unidentified flying objects. I'm here to tell you they aren't unidentified. We know exactly what they are. They're aliens from a distant galaxy and I must warn you, they're really mean.

Like, a middle school girl inviting everyone in the class but you to her birthday party mean.

It began in 1947 when one of their ships crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico. We recovered one tiny grey being. As it struggled for air, it waved General McHenry closer. It opened its big black eyes, and in its dying breath choked out, “You're not fooling anyone with that hairpiece.” After that we were sure of two things, there is intelligent life in the universe and its catty as hell.

Oh, you think this is funny, Salinas? You won't be laughing when an alien abducts you from your B-2 and tells you your dick is so small the most advanced radar system in the galaxy couldn't detect it.

Why are they doing this? What do they want? Our top scientists believe the only reason these beings haven't destroyed Earth is that we have a resource they desperately need. An endless supply of targets for mockery. It's almost like they only give us their teleportation rays and free energy orbs so they can laugh at our sorry attempts to reverse engineer them.

Airman Yoshida, why do you think civilian abductees are always folks living in Appalachian trailer parks, huh? Because the aliens are interested in the experiences of working-class Americans? Hell no. It's because the aliens love to laugh at their missing teeth and bad grammar.

Pilots, if you do encounter extraterrestrials, I have three pieces of advice

One, do not attempt a comeback. Don't be Airman First Class Veronica Walden. She got angry and called the aliens “tiny grey fuckwads from planet crapass.” There was a deafening silence. Then one of them walked over real calm and whispered in her ear, “Your friends love to take pictures with you because they look so small in comparison.” She was never able to fly another mission.

Two, if they abduct you and your co-pilot, stay loyal. They took Airmen Gonzalez and Hinckley to the mothership. The aliens started in on Gonzalez with the normal stuff, making him do a goofy dance, calling his mother “uglier than a duck's dick.” Hinckley thought he could stay safe by joining in so he said Gonzalez's “ass was flatter than week-old soda.” The aliens didn't like a human stealing their thunder, so they vaporized Hinckley on the spot.

We've lost too many good soldiers to petty roasts.

Three, don't make it easy for them. Their species thrive on creativity. Keep your shirt tucked in, your grammar flawless, and your mother slim, employed, and sexually inactive.

Soldiers, these beings could destroy Earth with the snap of their eight fingers. The only thing standing between us and humanity's doom is your ability to take an insult.

Aim high and fly proud, but not too proud.