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If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
I walk out into my backyard party—it’s always a party in my backyard. I smile and clink glasses with a man who could be my neighbor, but is he?
FastFix here. Hard to articulate... but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think?
Consider swinging with a witch: The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe.