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Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
I know, it’s such a cliché: “This year, no more eating children! Not even the wicked ones!” But it makes sense.
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.