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Step Five: Start having doubts about your tattoo, which is looking more and more like a colorable stencil on a paper placemat for kids
Two Raccoons Occupying Backyard: Why does Staten Island have so many raccoons? “Occupying”…Sounds like “Occupy Wall Street.”
We researched it, okay? This wasn’t some half-ass throw on a scarf and call yourself Edna, intro-to-theatre-101 skit.
I was hesitant about bringing up my favorite books, the "Horny Pottrom" series, but I had to know the truth.
All that yarn wasted connecting pictures of faces when it could be connecting the rose petals of my hand-knit floral sweater.
Don't be intimidated, I'm still just like you, only quite a bit better now. You see, I read an entire book during quarantine.
Listen, you're already on thin ice with me. You and I both know this ain't the first time we've found ourselves here.
Pick teams with orange as one of their colors. Orange doesn’t rhyme with anything, and neither does victory.
My motivation was killed by me throwing my phone out the window when my alarm went off for the fifth time and I didn’t want to get up for a run.
I am a large gorilla. And gorillas are soft, exoskeleton-less, atomic-breath-lacking, nonaquatic, vegetarian mammals.
Let me know how I can be of use. Today’s Tip: You’re spending too much time on Twitter at the expense of your personal relationships!
I am a human from Earth, but please don't hold that against me. I believe that this is an asset, as I have witnessed what not to do with a planet