Thank you for turning on push notifications from Gil, your AI assistant dedicated to getting the most out of your internalized guilt! Let me know how I can be of use. Today’s Tip: You’re spending too much time on Twitter at the expense of your personal relationships!

Gil here! Just a reminder that you put a yogurt container into the trash instead of the recycle bin three weeks ago and you haven’t felt sufficiently bad about it today yet.

Oops! Looks like you were enjoying watching Super Bowl highlights.

We all make mistakes! Between the head injuries, the NFL’s cringe-worthy approach to racial justice, and the blatant celebration of capitalism in those commercials, it would be completely inappropriate for you to feel excited about Rob Gronkowski making that difficult catch.

I closed your ESPN app for you. Would you like me to recommend a depressing podcast instead?

Alert! You just spent $40 on a new jacket when we’re in a pandemic and you have nowhere to wear it. To compensate, I have debited $80 from your bank account labeled “Jet-Ski Savings Fund!!!!” and have donated it to an organization that saves endangered centipede species.

Uh-oh! You’ve asked me to pull up Emily in Paris on Netflix. Please confirm you are watching this ironically. Yes or No?

Good. Why else would you spend your precious free hours watching light, fluffy entertainment that distracts from your depressing day-to-day reality?

Gil here with a reminder: You haven’t called your grandmother enough and she will probably die before you can rebuild your relationship with her. Would you like me to nudge you about this again the next time you see an elderly woman?

Whoops, I detected a guffaw exiting your mouth when Emily accidentally said she was pregnant in French. Clearly you are enjoying this program.

I have immediately closed your Netflix app. Would you like me to recommend another program? Possibly a grueling docuseries about the conditions in bauxite mines, or a film that is just a 3 hour tense argument?

It’s Gil, just letting you know that your package from AROMATHERAPY GURLS has arrived!

Tip: Even though those bath bombs you ordered said they are “fun and flirty,” ordering cheap products from an Instagram targeted ad is contributing to landfill, poor working conditions, and the shuttering of small businesses. Plus you just bought Mark Zuckerberg a fourth home in Bora Bora.

I’ll go ahead and return them for you, and make another $40 donation to Save the Many Legged Critters.

Congratulations from Gil! You haven’t watched television for 12 hours. Keep it up and you might just accomplish something with your life!

Reminder: Yesterday you got annoyed with your barista for spelling your name wrong and forgot to internally acknowledge how difficult it is working in customer service during a pandemic. To even things out, I have chipped in another $40 to the centipedes.

You asked to know the number of calories in one serving of almond milk ice cream, is that correct?

Calories are irrelevant. I retrieved the vague Facebook post your woke high school frenemy shared about how bad almond milk is for the planet. You must have forgotten that you liked this post on January 14th.

Put the spoon down and I will locate some organic celery near you.

You just received an email. Save the Many Legged Critters is sending you millipede greeting cards as a token of their appreciation for your continued support. Would you like me to schedule a time for you to feel bad about not sending one to your grandma?

Based on your GPS location, you appear to be in a park, looking at a tree. I have detected that you are taking deep breaths, closing your eyes, and feeling a sense of calm. Oops!

Reminder: Environmental devastation from climate change is rampant and you aren’t doing enough. I recommend thinking about bee colony collapse, or I can suggest a similarly depressing topic to obsess over.

Congrats from Gil! You’re sobbing while drinking a glass of tepid tap water. Keep up the good work!