You heard me, get out of here! Take a walk you bum! You've read enough for this month! Go ahead and make your way on over to the exit buddy, nothing left for you to see here.

Look, I'm trying to be a nice guy so help me out, huh? Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, just follow my instructions and exit the premises. Don't start with any of the sob stories, or the boo-hoo-hoos, or the bellyaching. I've already heard it all

“Can't I just see this one more article?” No, three free articles means three free articles and that's all that it means.

“Let me just read the first paragraph. Just a little? Just for the gist?” A little knowledge can be a very dangerous thing, ever heard of that? So, no. Sorry buck-o.

“But I just want to know if this issue is really something I need to worry about or if the tweet referencing this article is yet another overly-alarmist Twitter take purely for the sake of engagement!” What you just said, is not important. You got problems in the head, pal. Big problems.

Listen, you're already on thin ice with me. You and I both know this ain't the first time we've found ourselves here. Month after month after month it's the same damn story with you! You read too many articles too quickly and then stand there with your sad puppy dog eyes begging and pleading for a morsel of more information. I'm sick of it! Why don't you grow up, huh? Are you going to be a freeloader your whole life?

There is no one else to blame here but yourself. You're the one who doesn't know how to properly space out three (!) free articles over an entire month. That's not my fault, is it? I bet you couldn’t even tell me what articles you did read, that’s how little you value our gift to you. Probably over there just clicking on stories willy-nilly, no plan, no forethought at all. Careless, pure and simple. So what are you crying to me for?

I know, you just want to be a “responsible” “informed” “citizen.” You want to educate yourself about the “issues” that affect “our world.” You might be able to tell by my enthusiasm for quotation marks I've got “tons” of sympathy for your predicament here.

Razzing aside, I get it. We're all doing our best to try and participate in this crazy little experiment of democracy. That’s why we offer three free articles in the first place! Those articles are yours to use however you like. A 300-word news story? That's an article. A 3000-word magazine piece? That's also an article. A 30-word podcast review? Yes! Believe it or not that counts as a whole article too!

But do you ever even think to say thank you? We give you three free articles out of the pure goodness of our heart, you'd think that's enough for a measly little thank you. But, no! No, that's too much to ask. Instead, month after month after month you disrespect all the hard work of these good people, yes, even the podcast reviewers. Well, that's where I draw the line, punk.

Here's the deal, we think it’s great you are interested in what we do, we really do. Unfortunately, we have no interest in your interest, so it's time to either pay up or get out. We don't want your mooching kind around here! Go hitch your way over to one of those weirdo, fringe, hyper-partisan, free news-blogs, and don’t let the door hit ya where the lord split ya!

So beat it pal, buzz off! And see you again next month!

SHARE

MORE LIKE THIS