Two women were caught trying to get second doses of the Covid-19 vaccine by dressing up as “grannies… wearing bonnets, gloves, and glasses in an attempt to receive their vaccines” — CNN, February 20, 2021 

I’ve heard rumors that everyone is “appalled” that my friend and I dressed up as old ladies to steal a COVID-19 vaccine from immunocompromised seniors. What they really should really be focusing on though, is how sick our costumes were. We didn’t miss a beat. We had bonnets. Wigs. Giant glasses. Little glasses. Curlers. Moo moo dresses. From Costco. With cows on them.

We had canes. Wicker furniture. Bea Arthur’s ashes. A biography of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Potpurri. GLOVES!

We researched it, okay? This wasn’t some half-ass throw on a scarf and call yourself Edna, intro-to-theatre-101 skit. This was method acting.

We watched over 8,000 hours on YouTube of old people crossing parking lots to perfect our muscle atrophied slouches. We went to the park and stared at old people. For a while. We ate PRUNES. At the mall! We snuck into a retirement home and lived in Maple’s bunk bed for three days until some bitch named Tabitha kicked us out. We even made it to the Golden Corral seniors buffet dinner by 3 PM sharp. Do you know how devoted to authenticity you have to be to eat at a Golden Corral in Florida at 3:00 in the afternoon? We inhabited these roles, okay? We did the WORK.

So, don’t get all judgmental that we are selfish, narcissists with very little respect for humanity or the American health care system because we faked being Grannies to get a vaccine blah blah blah. We researched it OK! Plus, we succeeded, the first time. This was not amateur hour, folks. We pulled an Oceans 11-level heist on those goons at the vaccine site in round one. We rolled in on SCOOTERS. At 1 mile an hour, it took us 45 minutes to go three feet. Do you know what I call that? Devotion. I did not star in my high school’s production of Anything Goes two years in a row because I “break” character.

And sure, you may think we “failed” because we didn’t pass round two, but we passed round one. You think is our first heist? Do you know how we got the measles vaccine in 2018? Baby costumes. Free flight to Dubai? Dressed as my brother-in-law’s emotional support peacock, Sandra. Feathers don’t lie honeybun. I’m a performer, a chameleon. I live for the high of disguise. The rush. Will they buy it? Will I get caught? Am I the greatest method actor in Central Florida?

Judge me all you want haters, but you don't know what's coming next. I’m incubating. Training. Waiting. Spring 2021 better watch out for what is coming its way because I just signed up for, wait for it, Helen Fucking Mirren’s Masterclass on, you guessed it, acting.

That’s right folks. I’m training up. Again. You all thought I was gonna give up after one failure in round two? Pshh. You don’t make it in show business by quitting early babies, mama’s getting stronger. The Publix grocery store parking lot won’t know what hit it when I come back, rolling in, April 2021, with, say it with me, a new license, passport, birth certificate, social security card, and Medicaid form. From what year? 1875 bitches. I’m bringing the arthritis medication, the anti-aging cream, a poodle named Walter, a pantsuit, made of satin. Azithromycin. While you all sit around, unvaccinated, judging me, just know, the show ain’t over till it’s over. Once I finish all 28 lessons and 6 hours and 17 minutes of my masterclass workshop with Dame Helen, it’s showtime, second vaccine baby.

I’m going back in, hard, and I’m bringing butterscotch.