My name is Seamus, and I would like to express my interest in being your next abduction. I will attempt to be brief, for I am certain that you have many applicants to sift through.


I am a human from Earth, but please try not to hold that against me. I believe that this is, in fact, an asset, as I have witnessed first hand what not to do with a planet, and so will be willing and ready to cast down my patented human arrogance in order to assimilate into a completely different society.

If assimilation is what you want me for. I come with a variety of uses; Even if you are currently only accepting applicants for, say, experimentation purposes, I would still consider myself to be a valuable addition. I can assure you that I have uniquely fascinating biology, by human standards or otherwise. As a matter of fact, I have been banned from two dozen medical institutions, presumably because our doctors do not know how to handle such a specimen. I’m sure your doctors are much more capable, so maybe they’d like a stab at it! Not a literal stab, of course.

Well, actually I’m open to whatever.

My interest in being abducted stems mostly from how much I hate it here on Earth. I won’t bore you with the details, but the whole thing has gone rotten. Come to think of it, while it is not technically my place to make a formal offer, as a friend/hopeful abductee, I can tell you that Earth is ripe for the invading. If you’re in the market, I mean. I’m not here to tell you your business. But if you’re on the fence, I would strongly (but informally) recommend an invasion. We do not have our shit together at all it would be a total cinch.

My Qualifications

It pains me to report that I have no direct experience with extra-terrestrials. That said, I have committed a considerable amount of time and resources towards mock-trials. This includes, but is not limited to, the following:

  • Voluntary subjecting myself to uncomfortable medical procedures
  • Hiring someone to steal, then drop me, in a foreign country to see how I adjust
  • Hold breath for a long time in the event of an incompatible atmosphere (holding it as I write this letter as proof)
  • Advanced training in social isolation (I am a natural)
  • Advanced training in most expected inter-galactic language (Pig Latin)
  • And I eat a new type of food at least once per week to keep my stomach confused.

If you are not yet sold, I am willing to subject myself to a catch-and-release internship. If you wish to proceed with such an arrangement, I will give you my word as a disgraced Cub Scout that I will not blab to the government or write about you on my private blog. I can also assure you the no-one will even notice I am gone (see: advanced social isolation).

Thank you for taking the time to consider me as an abductee. As a show of good faith and testament to my eagerness, I will spend every night on the roof of my apartment complex awaiting your reply, even though it is technically an out-of-bounds area according to my super.

Yours willingly,