Greetings and Salutations. It’s me, friend of humankind, King Kong.
I want to start this letter by thanking you all for thinking highly enough of me to select me to protect humankind from this Godzilla fellow. And while I don’t want to appear ungrateful in light of this honor, I do have some logistic questions in regards to the actual combat that will take place between me and this giant atomic sea monster.
First of all, why me? Again, I’m very honored, but Skull Island is home to many incredible creatures. There are dinosaurs that you thought were extinct this whole time, and many creatures still unknown to mankind, including flying creatures, and the Sirenjaw, a large swimming reptile, not unlike Godzilla himself. I’m not sure you’re aware, but I am a large gorilla. And gorillas are soft, exoskeleton-less, atomic-breath-lacking, nonaquatic, vegetarian mammals.
I don’t want to be too hard on myself; I do after all have opposable thumbs, unlike most of the scalier and more bloodthirsty creatures I share Skull Island with, which means I could utilize weapons and tools, but it is my understanding that you want me to fight Godzilla with my bare hands? That’s just silly. How would your hands, which are not unlike my own, feel if you punched an alligator? Do that a couple of times and your hands would be torn up. And then what good will my opposable thumbs do me?
Another concern I have is how I am going to get to Godzilla. Again, I am a gorilla. Gorillas can swim, but I can’t dive deeply or breathe underwater like my would-be opponent. I would like to once again draw your attention to the swimming and flying creatures on Skull Island. Not only will they be able to travel more easily to the site of this rumble, but they will also be able to escape faster if things go awry.
I anticipate you are thinking, “Well, we can’t let these swimming and flying dinosaurs off the island because then they will spread over the earth and may become destructive, invasive species.” I have thought about this as well. (Conservation is a cause dear to my heart. Imagine sharing a tiny island with dozens of ravenous species! I’ve taken my duty as king of Skull Island very seriously and made sure the island’s flora and fauna have been taken care of). These creatures have not left the island yet, despite having the capabilities. I suspect they are not very smart and that if you brought them back to the island after the fight, they would be content here once again.
If there is no workaround and I must be the one to challenge Godzilla, is there any way he could come here? Again, he can swim, and quite fast too, so it would hypothetically be no trouble for him to make his way here. I’ve been told that I am expected to board a boat that will take me to Godzilla, and I’ve also been told that Godzilla’s dermal plates are sharp enough to slice through ships made from metal. Once again, I am a gorilla, which is a mammal made of flesh and bones, neither of which are as strong as metal. If Godzilla decides to attack our ship and lob straight through it, what would stop him from dismembering me with it?
And lastly, I would like to bring this conversation back to the subject of conservation. It’s my understanding that until recently you were not aware that Godzilla, and a slew of other dragon-like creatures, existed, and that there could be countless other giant reptiles living at the bottom of the ocean. (Did you know only about 5% of the ocean floor has been explored by humans? It really makes you think.) Have you considered what effect these reptiles will have on the delicate ocean ecosystem? I foresee an overfishing problem….
Sincerely, your reluctant gladiator,