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Four hours into this will have you wishing you traded in the hallucinogenics for something with a little more parmesan and a little less cow dung.
I know we’ve only got a few hundred words to work with. Surely, though, it wouldn’t take much to give me a bit more personality.
Original: Columbus routinely captured the people living there as slaves. Corrected: Columbus brought Western values to the New World.
I’m Donny Doublethink. I’m the wise guy who always holds two opposite and completely contradictory opinions at the same time.
I don’t think I’m selling myself short here. It takes a lot of skill to stack this many hats on top of each other.
This is on both of us: you put me in the position of being responsible for humanity, and I let my savior complex feed right into that.
It's a dog park, not Jurassic Park. Find somewhere else for your infernal Dogasaurus rex to run amok.
I'm not gonna be a cop about booze or weed or the occasional mysterious disappearance of a fellow resident.
I’ve read hundreds of lists of all the foods that I should avoid and it turns out you should avoid basically everything.
"The Boss Baby: Family Business" The baby, it enrages me. 9/10
I didn't think much of it when we got a tip that the script was sitting in the bottom of a wastebasket in a Starbucks bathroom on Milwaukee Ave.
But you’re shit out of luck if you think one of these spider aliens is going to move unrealistically slowly, giving me just enough time to shoot it.