Space Jam: A New Legacy

The man, he has been driven to madness, no? And so he imagines hare, duck, pig, and cat. They make sport together. It is not so bad, insanity. A fine film. 8/10

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins

I have over time met many snakes. And in the eyes of all the snakes, I have ever looked upon, I have discovered no common understanding. No matter how hard I look, I see in those eyes nothing but the great indifference of nature. Their blank stare is not one of curiosity or friendship, but pure and unfiltered murder, and it haunts me. There are no snakes in this film. And for that, I am grateful. 7/10

Jungle Cruise

Ah, the ubermensch. His enormity cannot be contained by his world. By his boat. By his shirt. And so he rules over all of us. 5/10

Godzilla vs. Kong

Each and every one of us is at once both a Kong and a Godzilla. The ape and lizard within us, constantly at war. Who will prevail? Both. Neither. 5/10

The Suicide Squad

Man moves carelessly through life, ignorant of the chaos that swirls around him. Dancing upon a thin layer of ice, he does not see the deep ocean of turmoil and darkness below, ready at any moment to swallow him whole. I must admit, I did not watch this film. 4/10

The Boss Baby: Family Business

The baby, it enrages me. 9/10

A Quiet Place Part II

There is nothing more fearful than the quiet: time spent alone contemplating the horrid and empty blackness that is existence, full of overwhelming misery and death. Except perhaps the large monsters. The large monsters are also very frightening. 7/10

Mortal Kombat

This film claims to be violent. Have you ever seen a Television commercial for Oscar Mayer Weiners? That is true violence. 2/10

Pig

It is not so easy to hypnotize a pig, but I have done it. If you are ever out in the countryside, you ought to try it. It may take hours, but it is well worth the effort. Chickens, on the other hand, are enormously stupid creatures and quite easily hypnotized. I have hypnotized dozens of chickens with scarcely any effort at all. 6/10

Old

I have never liked beaches for this very reason. 3/10

In the Heights

It was a surprise to see such a powerful surrealist depiction of the Battle of the Seelow Heights. I would never dare portray the largest battle of the Second World War on German soil, but this filmmaker has done it with song and with dance. I cannot help but respect and fear such bravery. Excellent. 8/10

Tom and Jerry

I left halfway through the film because there was only one way it could end. Death. 6/10

F9: The Fast Saga

You think that these automobiles are fast, yes? I will show you something faster. Go to your bathroom and look in the mirror. Then turn away. Now look back at your reflection. In but a moment, you have aged. Nothing is faster and more vicious than the inexorable march of time. 1/10

Paw Patrol: The Movie

How great is the cowardice of man, that we would make the dogs patrol our streets and defend us from harm. Shameful. 4/10

The Spongebob Movie: Sponge on the Run

The ocean is a vast, unending hellscape, brutal and violent at every turn. The Sponge, he cries out, unfinished and abandoned by God in his wrath. Shrieking in pain but heard by none, panting and exhausted, he stands in unreal misery, with nothing but The Starman for comfort. But The Starman, he does not know, he does not understand. And how could he? The Sponge is the truest thing I have ever seen, and he has shaken me to my core. A perfect film. 10/10


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