There’s nothing better than getting together with friends, eating some caps, and journeying through the wilderness of our innermost thoughts. Or is there? Opening your third eye is cool and all, but the shroom doesn’t hold a candle to the stuffed mushroom. This crowd-pleasing appetizer produces the same type of spiritual awaking as the Psilocybin mushroom, but without paranoia, disassociation, or projectile vomiting.

Blue Meanies

These small pastoral mushrooms break down emotional barriers, forcing you to experience the suffering of every person that has ever lived, followed by the elation of a mass, universal orgasm. Changes in your visual cortex will lead to a complete loss of ego and leave you asking “Who am I?” “Where am I?” and, “When will this end so I can pick up some crab stuffed mushrooms from Joe’s Seafood Shack?”

Four hours into this seemingly endless trip will have you wishing you traded in the hallucinogenic mushrooms for something with a little more parmesan and a little less cow dung.

Psilocybe Azurescens

Eat a handful of these scaly wood-loving fungi and you’ll be detecting more colors than a bluebottle butterfly. As your previously dormant cones of vision start to awaken from your unconscious, you’ll begin to see the world through new eyes. The endlessly metamorphosing patterns will have you understanding the laws of psychics on a prodigal level and leave you feeling open, enlightened, but most of all, hungry. There’s nothing like traveling to the outer limits of your psyche to work up an appetite for some of your mom’s homemade cremini mushrooms with the shallot and herb stuffing.

Liberty Caps

Foraged from the well-fertilized lawns of southern California, this mushroom produces a heady, introspective high that will have you asking mind-expanding questions like, “Has my backyard always been outside?” and “Does everyone hate me?” While 30 percent of users reported visual hallucinations and 40 percent experienced auditory delusions, 100 percent of people reported not experiencing enough garlic or breadcrumbs. The drug-induced suspension of reality allows for a deeper understanding of love and interconnectedness, but it’s missing that clean peppery flavor profile of finely chopped Italian parsley and clarified butter.

Golden Teachers

Throw a fist-full of these well-known and widely distributed mushrooms onto a build-your-own pizza from Dominoes and prepare to witness your own birth while simultaneously wishing you were never born. It’s a mentally exhausting trip that will have your walls expanding and collapsing to the rhythm of your breath, but it’s still not as intense as an order of stuffed mushrooms from Carmine’s restaurant on South 2nd street. This appetizer filled with aged gouda, fresh basil, and spicy Sicilian sausage has lifted me to higher vibrational planes than anything I could ever buy from a dealer.