Wasn’t I supposed to do something today? I swear I had a dentist’s appointment, or possibly jury duty summons. One thing I know for sure: I do need to call the contractor to raise the awning over my front door. I’ll get to it right away. In a few minutes.

As you can tell, I wear a lot of hats, but only literally. Turns out strutting around with a variety of headgear on at once doesn’t mean I’m good at multitasking. In fact, I’d say I’m downright lousy at it.

I don’t think I’m selling myself short here. It takes a lot of skill to stack this many hats on top of each other. I’ll admit I was struggling until I realized I could put my wide-brimmed “Bob Dylan from The Last Waltz” replica hat on first. That way, I’d have a good chance of catching any of the higher hats if they fell off while I was riding my penny-farthing bicycle.

From there, it was a simple matter of piling high in order of decreasing size, going from safari helmets to top hats to bowlers to straw hats to Kangols to ball caps, all crowned with a breathable wool beanie. I’ve had more than one weisenheimer ask me why I wouldn’t wear the beanie under the first hat. Apparently they haven’t been outside recently. Wool in this weather would be a nightmare.

Learning to walk with this magnificent collection of chapeaus atop my head was challenging, and it took many tries. It’s been hell on my knees, hence the awning work I need done. But in time, I’ve been able to get the hang of it.

The trouble is, I’m terrible at doing almost anything else.

Turns out, wearing a lot of hats is a full-time job. At work, I’ve barely had my first coffee before I’m explaining to my co-workers and my boss about all my hats. I’ve been doing this for months now, and they still want to know which haberdasheries I frequent and when I’m going to spring for a fez.

By the time I’ve answered all their questions, it’s usually 2:00 or 3:00 PM. And Lord help me if one of my hats falls off, prompting everyone to rush over and try to toss them back on, like I’m a walking carnival game.

Sure, it’s nice to have help, but I’m lucky to get anything done by the end of the day with all this fussing. I swear they’re all placing bets on how many of my hats will get knocked to the floor on my way to the parking lot.

No one tells you how hard actually wearing a bunch of different hats is. Honestly, some days I think it’s a bit of a curse. I find myself looking forward to bedtime, where I only have to wear a series of 10-12 loose sleeping caps.

Despite all of this, I wish more people tried to live like me. We wouldn’t be so quick to use “I wear many hats” as a compliment. We’d see it as the double-edged sword it truly is. Sometimes, no matter how many hats I wear, I feel like I’m really wearing one giant dunce cap. Even when I’m not.

Wait a minute. I just thought of something. Do you think that expression is supposed to mean that you’re CHANGING hats all the time? So, like, when you’re doing one job you’re wearing one hat, and then you switch for another? Therefore, you wouldn’t need to do something drastic, such as, say, getting plastic surgery to widen your skull?

That makes a lot more sense. Like, a lot a lot.

I think I remember what my appointment was for. I hope my doctor doesn’t charge too much for cancellations.


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