Things Notorious Gangster Donny Doublethink Said, Moments Before the Shooting Started

Just Before the Pastrami Barrel Factory Shootout

“I’m Donny Doublethink. I’m the wise guy who always holds two opposite and completely contradictory opinions at the same time.

I gathered you guys here today to let you all know that contributions are getting a little… shall we say… light. Now, we’re all in the game, and we know the score. Sometimes you just gotta skim a little off the top, and that’s OK. I’d be disappointed in you if you didn’t. Good for you! Well done. I totally agree with you and what you’re doing.

And yet, equally, and at the same time, anyone who steals one goddam cent from me, for ANY reason, deserves to be shot in the legs. Then in the face. Then the legs again and maybe the arms. Then the brain.

So that’s it, I said my piece and I got just one question.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”

In the Run Up to the New Jersey Back Garden Massacre

“Welcome, surviving gang members, to my reconciliation barbecue. This is an opportunity for us to let our hair down, relax, drink a little vino and enjoy the sunshine.

Before we begin, I just gotta say, I love hot dogs. They are America, in a bun. There is nothing better than a hot dog after a hard day’s mobbing. When I take that first bite I sometimes think I’ve gone to heaven and will shortly meet my momma. You see these tears? I ain’t ashamed of these tears. Because these are hot dog tears.

And yet, equally, and at the same time, I hate hot dogs. If I even so much as see one I want to throw up. Who the heck thought it would be a good idea to put a sausage into bread, and bread, I might add, that has been made only for that purpose? And why so many condiments? Only cops and stooges like hot dogs. Goddamn rat fink bastards.

Now.

I got just one question.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”

The Deserted Subway Tunnel Incident

“Always good to see new members in the audience, building the numbers back up and so forth. For anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m Donnie Doublethink, and what I say goes. I am the wise guy who always holds two opposite opinions, and etcetera, etcetera.

Some of you might be thinking that I am kinda weird, even for a gangster. And I gotta admit, so do I. I mean, it’s not normal, right? To believe totally opposite things at the same time? That’s a one-way ticket to crazy town! I gotta have something wrong in the head. A screw loose! Ha ha! I am definitely a problem. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor.

And yet, equally, and at the same time, I think it’s the most normal thing in the world. It’s really, really normal. There is nothing wrong with me at all. I am absolutely fine. Anyone who says otherwise deserves to be shot all over, and then shot all over a second time, just to be sure.

And so, against my better inclinations, and having just done and went and explained myself, I got one question:

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME?”

The Second Deserted Subway Tunnel Incident (Which Almost Immediately Followed the First One)

“Goddamit, stop shooting! Please. I admire your loyalty/disloyalty but it looks like we are down to half numbers and that ain’t good.

So, look, when I ask ‘DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?’ I am, shall we say, simply opening a door for discussion. You should all consider the possibility of diplomacy. I am, in my own way, the very model of that ideal.

And yet equally, and… ah yes, I am just beginning to see the flaw in my own argument here… at the same time, if any of you disagree with me, even the tiniest little bit, then you all deserve to be shot.

Well, Ok… I gotta ask it. It’s a simple and direct question from the top, and I want you all to answer it truthfully, and with honor:

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”

Right Before the Backlot Bang Bang

“I gathered all two of you here today to announce that I was thinking that maybe it would be a good idea if I cut back on my public speaking engagements.

I mean, thinking about it, what could be more insanely dangerous and inflammatory than having a guy like me—a guy who, let us not forget, always holds two opposite and completely contradictory opinions at the same time—stand up in front of a well-armed, angry, and not very intelligent audience, to express things that are impossible to agree with, then demand simultaneous agreement to those very same things?

And yet, equa–”