Hey guys, thanks for coming out to the floor meeting. We’re gonna skip our creative high-five challenge icebreaker tonight because we’ve got a few serious issues to talk about.

You know I want you to think of me as not just your RA, but your friend. So I’m not gonna be a cop about booze or weed or the occasional mysterious disappearance of a fellow resident. But I do have to do my job, so if you don’t keep your illicit activities hush hush, there will be consequences.

In the latest round of room inspections, I found some items that were blatantly out of compliance. You’re not allowed to have a microwave unless it’s one of the university’s pre-approved micro-fridges. You’re also not allowed to have giant ceremonial daggers, and definitely not a floor-to-ceiling display of them.

I could normally overlook this, but I recently found one of those same daggers buried in the back of a dead student in the floor lounge. As a result, I’m restricting lounge use to sign-up only so that if this happens again we can hold each other accountable.

I want to make all of our lives as easy as possible. If I don’t see anything, I won’t say anything. So just keep your microwaves and daggers on the “DL.”

Remember that quiet hours are from 1:00 AM to 8:00 AM. I’ve gotten several complaints from other residents about unholy screams interrupting their sleep. Quiet hours are in place for your sake guys. I know how it is to be a first-year student trying to have some college fun, but no matter what you’re doing, you’ve gotta follow the golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated. I personally heard someone threaten to turn another resident’s skin inside out, and I found that very unpleasant.

Please also be courteous to our lovely custodial staff. Last night there was an excessive mess in the third-floor bathroom. I mean, just blood everywhere. There was at least an attempt to clean it up, but trying to flush blood-soaked paper towels down the toilet just caused a huge clog. Next time, contact the RA on call and they’ll get in touch with emergency maintenance. I think it would be appropriate for whoever was responsible to leave a handwritten apology for the custodial staff.

The trash room has also gotten really messy. Don’t throw away beer cans where everyone can see them. I know you guys are gonna drink and have fun, but if I keep seeing alcohol paraphernalia I’m going to have to search your rooms for booze.

I also found a whole human hand in the recycling bin. Not cool guys! Everyone needs to do their part for our floor to reach its sustainability goal and while I’d prefer to not see any human remains, if you’re going to throw them out, put them in compost. If you’ve got any questions about sorting your trash, I’d be happy to help out.

And lastly, I have to say I am appalled at the vandalism that occurred last week! Someone covered my “Fall Into The Fall Semester” bulletin board with a list of when and where everyone on the floor will die. The university is very supportive of artistic expression, but you need staff approval to hang up your posters, and even then, only on designated wall space. I spent a lot of time cutting out colorful leaves for that bulletin board, so I have to say I’m a little hurt.

I tried to take down the list, but it seared a blood-red pentagram into my hand when I touched it. The pentagram has been whispering to me at night and trying to convince me to kill people. It’s been making some really good points, so if someone could help me remove it from my hand before things get bad, that’d be great.

Sorry I had to go all Mr. Tough Guy on y’all there. I like to play it pretty fast and loose with the rules, but eventually, I’ll have to respond to blatant violations. I just want TO TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB—haha I meant I just want us to have a great year together.

Could someone please help me get rid of the pentagram now? Haha.