I thought I was the only dad in the sea of moms at the PTA meeting as I triumphantly hoisted the World's Best Dad mug to my mouth. Then I saw you across the room. Another dad. Also hoisting a World's Best Dad mug to your mouth.
Two World's Best Dad mugs at one PTA meeting? I don't think so, buster.
There’s only one way to settle this and I think you know what that way is.
It’s time for a dad-off.
The rules of engagement I propose are simple. We will meet at our children’s school and compete in a series of progressively challenging dad events to determine who truly deserves the mug. The schedule of events will be as follows.
ROUND 1
We will chug chocolate milk. Whichever dad chugs the most wins this round. Earn valuable bonus points by building replicas of your children using only discarded chocolate milk cartons.
ROUND 2
We will re-enact Alice Cooper's “School's Out for Summer” video shot for shot. Contestants may borrow as many eye-liner pencils as they need from neighboring moms, but moms may not assist with application. The dad who replicates the video most accurately wins this round. Bonus points will be awarded for removing the microphone from the lectern and throwing it at the principal.
ROUND 3
We will sing “Cat's in the Cradle” on a homemade guitar adding a verse or two to reflect the ways we have let our children down. The dad who makes the PTA moms cry hardest wins this round.
ROUND 4
Using only raw materials available in the school cafeteria, we will craft a pair of fully functional ill-fitting jorts. We will then don the jorts and walk the cat walk at a local fashion show for dads. If there is no fashion show for dads, we will create one. Whoever gets the audience to shout, “Work it, Dad!” the most wins this round.
ROUND 5
We will find guinea pigs, befriend them, and train them to be competitive swimmers. Then, we will unleash the guinea pigs in the school swimming pool. The dad whose guinea pig reaches the end of the pool first without drowning wins this round.
ROUND 6
We will breed our guinea pigs, collect the litters, and take them to a rival school where we will set them free inside the building. The dad whose guinea pigs wreak the most havoc wins this round.
ROUND 7
We will round-up our guinea pigs, bring them back to our children’s school, and arrange them along a tug-of-war rope. It’s going to be adorable. Then, we will anchor our respective teams as we pull against each other for glory, a mass-produced ceramic mug, and the title of World’s Best Dad. When the PE coach blows the whistle, we will pull like our lives depend on it.
Because they do. Securing the title of World’s Best Dad is serious business, and also, the tug-of-war will take place on top of two neighboring school buildings that are five stories tall and separated by a six-foot gap. The losing dad and guinea pigs will be pulled to their death. The winning dad will hoist the mug.
Are you dad enough? See you at high noon on Father’s Day and we’ll find out. Hey, maybe we can grill out afterwards!