Hello there. I probably look familiar to you. That’s because I am you. Well, at least some version of you that the rest of the world believes to be true.

You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here, outside your phone screen and inside the bathtub with you. I think it may have something to do with you ignoring all those reminders to update your Instagram app. But now that I’m here, we should talk. This is not a good talk.

You should know that the only reason I’m smiling right now is because that’s all you’ve taught me to do. Smile while picking up dog poop. Smile while catching a 6 AM flight. Smile while running a 10K marathon. In fact, you know what I did when @shelley97 told me that @handsomeman2 suddenly broke up with her? I smiled.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, the last thing I want to do is smile. Especially when @nickishot keeps sliding into my DMs. He wants to buy me coffee. Well, buy you coffee. Buy us coffee? Okay, I really don’t know how this works but you get the idea. The thing is, “we” don’t even like coffee. TBH, I can’t really blame @nickishot because we do post a lot of #morningfuel #coffeeislife pictures. We should tone those down a bit. We’re getting fewer likes on them, too.

You, more than anyone, give “likes” a lot of importance. I mean, that’s the whole reason I even exist. But, do you know what happens when you make me straighten my hair all the time just to get a double-tap from that guy you met in the comments section of a @nochill meme? No? Let me tell you. My hair gets so messed up that even the Clarendon filter can’t fix it.

And an #OOTD post every day, really? Revealing all our outfits isn't exactly smart. What if we change our minds and want to send @nickishot (he kind of is) a selfie later? Let’s keep the sexy camis away from the camera for now, yeah?

Also. You need to stop sending me on an exotic vacation every month. I feel like my digital jetlag is causing the app to fall asleep at critical photo posting moments—and you being too lazy to update it isn’t really helping. Plus, I’m worried that people will spot your terrible Photoshop skills and figure out that the sun on the beach is in fact from Google, and not from Italy.

Are you still listening to me? You don’t talk very much, do you? Wow, looking at another human being without being able to swipe away is exhausting. I know that I’m you and you’re me so we’re basically one… but I feel like we’re complete opposites and I don’t really see us getting along. Like, right now: your mascara is completely smudged. I would never be seen with smudged mascara, you know what I mean? People like you eat pizza in the tub and pretend to be perfect. People like me never eat pizza and are perfect. So, I’m going to go find some more #perfectpeeps like me.

But hey, before I leave, don’t you want a picture of me? Blown out hair and flawless makeup, all while soaking in the tub. Now that’s what you call Insta-worthy.