It’s tough when it happens. But it seems to be happening more now than ever: people are Losing Their Mojo at an alarming rate. Suddenly, out of the blue, attacks of sudden incompetence are occurring everywhere to anyone.

Here are a few examples:

  1. A UPS Driver in Connecticut Lost His Mojo while driving a familiar route. He had to call dispatch to get directions to every stop. He also kept dropping packages. After getting directions back to headquarters, he finally had to admit to his supervisor that he had, in fact, Lost His Mojo.
  2. A housewife in Indiana burned dinner night after night until her children finally called Child Protective Services and her husband left her for a short order cook. At first she blamed the State and her spouse for “being picky,” but then one day she put a Swanson salisbury steak in the microwave and the neighborhood had to be evacuated from the radiation leak. It was then that she finally confessed she had become Mojoless.
  3. An air traffic controller in Washington DC spilled a Coke all over his radio controls causing eight flights to be redirected to Baltimore due to radio silence. There was nothing wrong with the equipment, it just took him too long to utter the word “Motherfuck!” Until this expletive could be shouted, he found it impossible to say anything. He later confessed to having indeed Lost His Mojo.
  4. A Jersey Shore lifeguard forgot how to swim in the middle of a rescue, a professional wrestler began to seriously hurt his opponent for real, and a TV news reporter found himself unable to pronounce any name beginning with W, K, or C.
  5. The President, though we cannot confirm for sure, is suspected of having Lost His Mojo for reasons too obvious to mention. We can’t be certain as it is very possible he is just completely insane, a totally different phenomenon.

Stage hypnotism is currently the only known treatment. It is very important to specify “stage” over “clinical hypnotism.” While clinical hypnotism may be considered far more credible, it is the gaudiness and unprofessionalism of the stage hypnotist that produces results. Everything from scare tactics to the element of surprise to downright threats have been key to unlocking the door to the Mojo begging to be let back in. After one performer whispered in the ear of a Mojo Loser, “Do what I tell you or I’ll break your fuckin’ neck,” the victim’s Mojo returned almost immediately and he went on to make a comeback in the computer industry, inventing the iPhone among other things.

So, you see, it can return. No guarantee mind you. But it is a light at the end of a Very Dark Tunnel.

If you believe you have Lost Your Mojo, there is help out there. While there is no guarantee that you will regain it (as for some, like fitness guru Richard Simmons and the recently deceased actress Erin Moran of Happy Days fame, the effects are permanent) there is still a 50/50 chance that it will return (as in the case of the deceased Michael Jackson–and, no, you don’t necessarily have to die).

Gathered right now at the Howard Johnson Lodge off Route 193C near Fort Stockton, Texas is the first “Regain Your Mojo at the HoJo” Seminar. And various hypnotists and Howard Johnsons across the country are being called upon to help in this time of crisis.

For the time being only Howard Johnson is sponsoring treatments. Other hotels may jump on the bandwagon provided the positive results improve above 50%. Days Inn and Motel 6’s are considering sponsorship. (Motel 6 has a personal interest as it’s spokesman, Tom Bodet, confided that he Lost His Mojo after not being able to score a gig beyond NPR’s Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! game show.) Until then, it is wise to book now at any Howard Johnson that still has space.

We don’t know if this is a spontaneous occurrence or if something sinister is behind the loss of Mojos. Some of the crazies of the world have suggested Alien Influence, but the simple fact is that the Mexican Government just does not have the resources needed to finance such a sabotage. Nor do North Korea or even the Diabolical Belizeans.

Stage hypnotists all over the world are graciously volunteering to give up their night jobs and donate their time to helping “Make America Mojo Again.” Some of the best and brightest of the hypnosis correspondence schools have jumped at the chance to help save society. (It certainly has nothing to do with the $10,000+ rewards some victims are offering.)

Let’s just pray that this is a temporary situation like Ebola or the usual batch of bird flu.