Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. For most, it is a time for self-indulgent feasting, spending time with family, and pestering hosts for the WiFi password so as to minimize meaningful interaction with the children. But the reality is that this beloved holiday is stuffed with many ugly truths about the colonial actions of our forefathers, misconceptions which we misguidedly celebrate. That is why this November, I will not be taking part in any Thanksgiving celebrations and let me explain why you should do the same. This has nothing to do with me being a turkey by the way.

Gobble, gobble.

Thanksgiving celebrates the unscrupulous actions of colonists and glosses over their mistreatment of the indigenous peoples of North America. We are presented with harmonious images of the settlers and indigenous people sitting and eating together at Thanksgiving when in reality these settlers would loot indigenous’ homes, steal their land, and attempt to eradicate their culture. Learning of this unfamiliar part of history infuriated me so much, I lost balance and fell on my phone which must’ve accidentally sent you this Food Network article entitled “10 Thanksgiving Dinner Recipes If You’re So Over Turkey.”

Gobble, gobble.

Remember, the friendly native Squanto who acted as a translator and taught the settlers useful agricultural practices? What is less known about him is that he was kidnapped and sold into Spanish slavery by his so-called “allies.” To protest such falsehoods, this November 28th I suggest you refrain from making your traditional Thanksgiving mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce.

Oh, is turkey a Thanksgiving item too? I guess I never really noticed, until now. Sure, maybe just go ahead and don’t make that one either. Instead, why not combat the colonist agenda with a mouth-watering herb-brined cornish game hen and a side of honey poached pears, to effortlessly quell both your sweet and savory cravings?

It is through these menu changes that we will get our voices heard. Now, I’m not promising that change will happen overnight with minimal effort, as is the case with a bacon garlic pork loin simply dropped into a slow cooker overnight to minimize stress and maximum flavor. But it will happen soon enough.

Gobble, gobble.

Another thing. Did you know that colonists didn’t actually introduce the concept of Thanksgiving to the indigenous people, as we’re often led to believe? They’d been observing Fall harvest celebrations for centuries! These truths should make you want to cast away your current holiday traditions. And if the tradition you cast away just so happens to be the one where you give a reverse enema of seasoned bread fragments to the basted corpse of my dearly beloved, I won’t stop you.

Trust me when I say that our eventual success over the colonial patriarchy will be more satisfying than spice-rubbed salmon with herb-and-pomegranate raita—well-suited for making you the sole epicenter of attention at your next group-friendship-celebrating party. Again, this has nothing to do with me being a turkey. Honestly, I barely even notice those sorts of things, like who’s a turkey and who isn’t. I don’t see feather.

Gobble, gobble.

And don’t get me started on the all the cultural appropriation, with children making headdresses and wearing war paint. These things have profound cultural importance and are not just for amusement. Goddamit, it’s cultural incompetence like this that gets me hotter and redder than cherry chutney over duck breast—perfect for any intimate family gathering or office potluck.

If quitting Thanksgiving abruptly is too difficult, (I think the expression is cold turkey, but I’m not positive), then start with something simple. Try explaining to that nephew why wearing a construction paper headdress isn’t okay. Take baby steps. Stealthy, baby steps, like breaking into your nearest local turkey farm and freeing all its captives, including my sister Clarice. I’m told that the rear gate access PIN for Whitaker Turkey Farm in Sterling, Connecticut is 2339.

Gobble, gobble.

We must boycott Thanksgiving because it condones the dishonorable, overlooked actions of our colonial forefathers. Now is as important a time as ever to acknowledge and learn from our blemished history, so that we as a nation can make better decisions moving forward especially towards today’s indigenous community.

I mentioned the duck breast already, right?

Fighting the desire to participate in this well-established holiday won’t be easy. It’s not going to be stress-free and straightforward, like cooking a bourbon honey glazed ham—which only takes three hours to prepare and is accessibly inexpensive—it will be challenging—like preparing a palatable turkey dinner that isn’t bone dry or seasoned with your mother-in-law’s criticisms. Nonetheless, I believe abstaining from these traditions is the right thing to do, and that’s the unbiased, unbasted truth.

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