Dear residents of Brentwood Villa,

Hi there! My name's Dustin and I'm super excited to be your new neighbor. I want you to feel comfortable with me so I thought it would help to share some things about myself. First off, I'm 26, I was born in Memphis to two social workers, and I'm an ENFJ — that is, if you look past the ways I interact with myself and others.

ENFJs are known for their charisma. I'm incredibly outgoing and have never met someone I didn't feel comfortable approaching to start a conversation with, so naturally, I'll be sliding this letter under your door and going out of my way to avoid eye contact. If we should be in the elevator together I'll probably be looking at my phone the whole time, but that's just because I have so many friends to keep up with — I know this sounds like a dumb complaint but sometimes I think I have too many friends! Anyway, don't bother looking at my phone screen when you see me on it, that's definitely what I'm doing.

I'm excited to move into this building and I'm hoping to excite you tenfold in return. I'm a natural leader and am looking forward to spearheading social events, environmental campaigns, and health and wellness awareness. Sounds like a lot, but ENJFs love a full plate. Did you know that President Barack Obama is an ENFJ, too?!? I would have voted for him but the first time I was paintballing and the second time I was also paintballing.

I will do my best to be sensitive to all of your boundaries. We ENFJs tend to get too involved with the problems of others to worry about ourselves, but I'm learning to care for myself in a way that is fair and appropriate to both myself and those around me. For instance, if loud noises bother you I'll do my daily autoerotic/sociopolitical ritual hate chants directly into my pillow so as to not wake you — assuming you're asleep at 4 AM when I find the chants most invigorating.

And if you're keeping kosher, I'll thoroughly wash the bacon grease off the pan I borrow from you and forget to return for months. After all, your God says to “love thy neighbor,” and my God doesn't believe in the concept of ownership. Or antiperspirant.

As much as I love being alone and reading one of the tens of books that I've ripped the library labels off of, I do like to have friends over. In my last apartment, there was a strict “No Dustin's Friends” policy, but it shouldn't be an issue now since most of the guys that rule was in reference to are still missing. I'm always looking for new perspectives and people who can challenge me intellectually; when I host guests it often feels like a scene from Plato's Symposium, minus all the old Greek people. My parties are strictly open-door so feel free to come on in, make new friends, join a discussion about the shape of the earth, buy some amphetamines, sell some amphetamines. You can reimburse me for however many chips you eat later!

Less than two percent of the population are ENFJs, so statistically, you're quite lucky to have me here, just like I'm quite lucky to have what forensic scientists refer to as “smudgy fingerprints.” ENFJs are known as the protagonists of the world, so in the story of our cohabitation, you'll be rooting for me to win. Yes, life in this apartment complex is a competition, and yes, I am keeping score of everything you do. And because of how stories work, most of you are just background characters, while one of you must be the antagonist. Remember: the hero always wins, justice always prevails, and the antagonist sometimes has his car keyed in the middle of the night but he deserves it and you can't punish the protagonist for carrying out justice and maybe mixing up whose car is whose in the process.

Now that you know who I am I look forward to getting to know all of you! You're welcome to come by anytime to say hi… unless you're a Scorpio, a Virgo, a vegan, are dandruffy, diabetic, an old Greek person, a fan of country music, you think Nick is the most talented Jonas brother, or are coming to collect rent — I'm afraid I won't have the time for you.

Dustin, 6F

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.