Following the Trump administration’s revocation of key transgender protections last year, the Education Department announced recently it will no longer investigate civil rights complaints from transgender students barred from school bathrooms that match their gender identity. These decisions endanger trans youth by making them more vulnerable to harassment and physical assault.

If our president refuses to use federal authority to protect at-risk young people from discrimination, then I will have no choice but to protect them myself with the aid of my extensive collection of badass ninja weapons.

Read my lips and certificates of authenticity, Trump: if your government continues to turn its back on kids who want only to use bathrooms safely and discreetly, I will be forced to take up my mighty katana, perhaps even my righteous kata kai, and personally defend their human rights.  

Do not interpret my reluctance to remove these bonafide shinobi climbing claws from their original packaging as a sign I will show mercy.

Be assured I do not take this responsibility lightly, Mr. President.

When I first began amassing my collection of genuine Japanese swords, throwing knives, and grappling hooksthe largest in south-southeastern Dayton—I knew there might come a day when dire circumstances would compel me to remove them from their custom display case and wield them in the name of justice. I also predicted that the ancient techniques I’ve long been developing in my parents’ fenced-in backyard would someday constitute an oppressed minority’s only defense against institutional bias.

You transphobes won’t even see me coming. That’s the ninjutsu way.

Still, I hesitate.

I’m reluctant to unsheath my proud samurai steel, painstakingly forged by master swordsmith shogun_pete47. I’m in no rush to retrieve my hypnotic chain whip from the upstairs closet where my mom hid it from me. And Lord knows I wish I could just leave my razor sharp jujigata throwing stars in the holiday popcorn tin where I store them. But when the lives of countless children are at stake, I’ve no choice but to raise aloft my twin sai and declare, “The handles of these are shaped like dragons! Fearmongers, beware!”

Do not interpret my reluctance to remove these bonafide shinobi climbing claws from their original packaging as a sign I will show mercy. Indeed, once their mint condition has been compromised, neither man nor demon knows what I’m capable of.

If you make it your mission to persecute the transgender community, this is what I have in store for you: the searing heat of my swift nunchaku; the bone-breaking, poetically primal strike of my bamboo quarterstaff; the sting of my deceptively dangerous tessenjutsu combat fan; and, most importantly, my unrelenting allegiance to the Ninja Code and its decree to protect those who can’t protect themselves.

I own ninja uniforms in four different colors. One of them is waterproof. This is a battle you cannot win.  

Alas, the time for talk is over. Now I must fulfill my destiny of ensuring schools are a welcoming environment for all students. So to every little transgender boy and girl out there, know this: your life matters, and I will harness the fire of a thousand rising suns to safeguard your right to exist. And to those who stand in my way, I will throw a ninja star right at your fucking face.