I don’t want to hear another snowflake spew about how military style weapons are “completely unnecessary for recreational purposes.” These people have clearly never brought down a moose with their own bare assault rifles before, so they need to stop preaching to those of us that enjoy a slab of meat with debilitatingly high lead levels.

Have you ever tried venison that was tactfully killed using a manual-load weapon and just a few bullets to the torso or head? It’s fucking disgusting. You want to taste the shrapnel in every bite. If you haven’t unloaded at least 5-10 magazines on the thing, it’s not even worth eating, quite frankly.

By the time you pick up the carcass, you want that being to be completely unrecognizable. If it still remotely resembles an animal, it might as well still be alive. I wouldn’t even let George Soros subject his taste buds to something that wasn’t gunned down with at minimum a moderately automatic weapon.

The firm, yet succulent texture you get from mercilessly obliterating a creature with far more ammunition than necessary, is second to none. Only when the meat passes a 5:1 lead to flesh ratio do you achieve the truly sublime consistency that a nation with unfettered arms access deserves.

Sure, you might gash up your mouth from the indelible metal fragments, but the smokey flavor is worth it. Your gustatory cortex just knows this animal was massacred with an excessive war apparatus. That Second Amendment taste will send you right to heaven if the lead poisoning doesn’t do so first.

So go ahead SJWs, ban our death machines, but don’t come crawling back to us next Thanksgiving when you’re choking on dry, humanely killed poultry.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.