As much as Ronald T. Grinchkowski, aka the Grinch, hates Christmas, he loves his 30 wives. Inside a multimillion-dollar, cave-based mansion (located within illustrious Mount Crumpit), lives the mean green man himself, his loyal dog Max, and 30 female Grinches to whom the Grinch has promised his hand in marriage. I was given unprecedented access and allowed to live as a Grinch wife for one week. Here’s what I learned.

Just Like You or I, Grinch Wives Are Pleased By the Sight of the Grinch’s Round Posterior

The first thing I noticed was my temporary roommates smiled and clapped each time they saw the Grinch’s glorious glutes. This became more shocking after I learned that they had chosen to marry the Grinch 200 years prior. Keeping the spark alive for two centuries is no easy task! Congratulations to the Grinch and his wives!

When the Grinch Grows Too Old, His Wives Will Kill Him and Replace Him with a Younger Grinch

Fascinatingly, when the Grinch becomes too old to lay any more eggs (which his wives fertilize so they will hatch every 600 years), he will ceremoniously be killed by the women with whom he shares a marital bond. His wives will then release a pheromone so potent that it will attract a new Grinch from many miles away and the process will repeat. Against all expectations, this certainty of betrayal does not frighten the Grinch at all. Perhaps we could all learn to live more in the moment like this man who is as wise as he is green.

Contrary to Popular Belief, It is NOT a Cult

Sure, we all worship the Grinch as a deity (he is the guy who stole Christmas, after all), and yes, I had to pay a fee and provide blackmail on myself in order to gain admittance, BUT how could it be a cult if I’m allowed to leave at any time? A cult is a place you can’t leave, and everyone is free to come and go as they please in Grinch House. Therefore, it is not a cult. In the interest of transparency, I want to admit that even though the week has passed, I do plan to live here forever since the Grinch offers an alternative to my mundane and unfulfilling life.

Every Time the Bell Rings, It is Grinch O’Clock

The bell rings every hour on the hour and we all rejoice, for Grinch O’Clock is upon us! We dance the sacred dance and drink libations of wines and spirits, but we hope that the sweet drink we consume will someday be the blood of the Grinch’s enemies, for his enemies are our enemies. And we pray for the Grinch’s future followers who do not yet know that their lives will improve when they devote themselves wholly to the one with all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.

The Whos Are Unworthy of Christmas and That is Why We Must Steal It from Them

Almighty Grinch, who stands atop Mount Crumpet and bears the heavy burden of casting judgment upon the Whos below, has seen their sin and wickedness. Whoville is a modern Sodom and Gomorrah and the Grinch will not be happy until it reaches the same fate as those cities. Until then, we must do everything in our power to steal the holiday bliss from these unworthy souls, for they do not deserve the glory of Christmas; their fate is damnation and their fate is sealed.

The Grinch is Infallible and It Is Not Our Place as His Disciples to Question Him

When the Grinch does things that we do not understand (like returning the Whos’ Christmas presents after successfully carrying out a meticulous plot to steal them), we cannot question it because it is beyond our comprehension. For his mind is an all-knowing one, and our minds could not possibly understand his Grinchly machinations.

Judgment Day Will Come When the Grinch’s Eggs Hatch

In 600 years, when the Grinch’s eggs hatch and he is reborn through his kin even more powerful than he is now, an army of Grinches will be unleashed into the world and all those who have been deemed unfit by the Grinch will be made to pay for their trespasses with their agony. The Grinch’s followers will be rewarded, and each Christmas he stole from the impure will be delivered tenfold to the just. For without the Grinch, there is no happiness, and with the Grinch, there is no sorrow. Praise be to him.


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