It was St. Patty’s '09, you were drunk, you pinched a stranger for not wearing green, and it turns out she was a witch. Now, at the stroke of midnight every St. Patrick’s Day, you’re cursed to turn into a leprechaun for twenty-four hours or until you learn the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, whichever comes first.
Here are some tips to mask your annual transformation.
For exactly one day, your speech is riddled with phrases like, “That’s a fret!” and, “A whale of a time!” Laugh it off to your confused friends by explaining that your cousin cast you in his short film about the Irish Potato Famine for a class at NYU. You must do the scene justice.
The more specific you can be about the lie, the better. Name the cousin. Perhaps he is “Clyde” or “Scooter.” Make the class sound realistic by adding a number like “101,” “201,” or “420” for a silly joke amongst friends (always read your audience).
Example excuse: “Cousin Hawthorne needs me to commit to the part or he’s going to lose marks in Cinematography 201.”
You’re two feet tall and none of your clothes fit anymore. This new trait may be the most noticeable, but it’s also the easiest to explain. Remember that thing you did as a child where you kneel down and put your knees on top of your shoes so you look like a tiny man?
Example excuse: “I’m doing that thing where you kneel down and put your knees on top of your shoes so you look like a tiny man.”
Trust us, we know that during these twenty-four hours, it can be hard to keep your hands off a pair of poorly cobbled shoes. Every time you reach for a friend’s boots with a tiny rubber mallet in hand, simply tell people you are a hip craftsman working out of a Williamsburg loft. Use the word “bespoke” a lot.
Example excuse: “You should seriously check out my Etsy store.”
For twenty-four hours, you have copper hair and a flaming red beard. If you didn’t already have these features, they could draw some attention from your friends and family. Explain it like this: you made a bold new choice in personal expression. The only people who question your new ‘do are complete and total losers. This excuse is great not just for your curse, but can be used to explain DIY haircuts, skipping the gym, and arson.
Example excuse: “I got high and watched a Youtube tutorial.”
Interest in Mischief
It’s early in the morn on March 17th. You open your eyes and notice that your hand is resting in a cup of warm water. You throw the covers off—yep, you’ve peed the bed. Rise and shine, you’ve pranked yourself in your sleep. For the twenty-four hours while you’re a leprechaun, you’re all about the pranks. Nobody can stop you from filling Mom’s pillow with bangers and mash or replacing your roommate’s weed stash with shamrocks.
Instead of using an excuse to explain this, try gaslighting. Gaslighting not only convinces others they are wrong, it also has the added benefit of lowering their self-esteem. When someone catches you hiding a single gold coin in Grandpa’s denture case, you must make them believe they are the one doing something wrong.
Example excuse: “The real issue is that fact that you’re spying on me in Grandpa’s bathroom!”
Love of Gold
No one will ask about this, everyone loves gold.