Ho ho ho and hello from the North Pole!
Now I know a lot of you boys and girls were traumatized in your youth by the thought of me—Santa Claus–watching you at every second of your life in order to determine whether or not you deserved a Baby Headstand Surprise or a Hot Wheels Mutant Machine car. And I get it, that was a little creepy, but in my defence, I had to be sure you deserved the useless crap I brought you every Christmas.
It’s simple: Facebook has already agreed to give me everything it has on all the little girls and boys who use it.
It was a long road to this decision, but once I was called in front of the EU Council for Winter-Holiday-Affiliated Public Figures Who Gather Too Much Information, I knew I was toast. When they asked me about my surveillance techniques, I had to threaten the Council with taking away their cushy EU government jobs if they weren't good boys and girls. Most of them were so starstruck and shocked that I was real, someone they had long ago decided didn't exist, so I was not booked for threatening a government body and obstruction of justice. Ho ho ho!
But I did make some promises to these government boys and girls. No longer will I be watching as you walk to school, or stream your favourite web series on YouTube, or stick your tongue out at your mom when her back is turned. By the way, that little stunt lost you the Play-Doh Kitchen Creations Magic Oven, Tommy.
The European Union seems to think there is something wrong with constant surveillance by a non-government entity, and I have exhausted my legal recourse. Ho ho ho!
It’s simple: Facebook has already agreed to give me everything it has on all the little girls and boys who use it. I mean, when you think about it, we were just duplicating efforts, so this makes sense, though it’s going to put a dent in the jolly ol' budget.
But not to worry, children: you’ll still be getting all the glorious Christmas garbage that you want. Facebook’s fee is coming out of the workshop elves’ pay. Ho ho ho!
But if Mr Zuckerberg thinks that now that we're working together, I will finally bring him that Tickle Me Elmo he wanted when he was ten, he is wrong. He was a bad boy then and he's an even badder boy now. I told that EU Council to ask Marky about his surveillance techniques, but they told me they already did, and just didn't understand them.