My fellow Americans: while our media focuses on the candidacy of South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, I want to remind you that I, the mayor of Noblesville, Missouri (population 18,000), am also running to be the president of these United States. Not only am I the best candidate for president, but I am the best mayor in the race—and it’s not just the Noblesville Gazette that says so.
Granted, Mayor Pete is a former Navy officer, a Harvard graduate, and a speaker of seven foreign languages. However, as the owner of a Ford dealership on State Route 15, I promise that the skills needed to run a close-out sale on F-150s have well prepared me for the quick-thinking required in the Situation Room. And though I don’t speak another language, my wife and I did honeymoon in Spain 15 years ago, so your commander-in-chief will be thoroughly versed in the beaches of Mallorca.
As for endorsements, my fellow mayor has admittedly racked up an impressive list. But I noticed a series of embarrassing omissions from his campaign website. Where is Noblesville Councilwoman Kathy Strunck? Or Noblesville PTA President Ben Calhoun? Or Noblesville Police Chief Yvonne Skinner? Oh, that’s right: they have endorsed my campaign. I would rather have the support of these powerbrokers than some big-name senator, although big-name senators can also endorse by calling me at Noblesville City Hall after 2 on Tuesdays.
I know the voters are looking for experience and I assure them: being the part-time mayor of Missouri’s 58th largest city has battle tested me to the core. When Councilman Dennis Ahrington wanted a splash pad for Squirrel Hill Park, I stood firm and said, “nope. Not until we replace the rusted jungle gym. Nobody’s getting tetanus on my watch.” And while Dennis had some stern words for me at the Founders Day picnic, we got that jungle gym replaced. Those are the kind of hardball tactics I would employ against Mitch McConnell if (or should I say when) I get to the White House.
Some voters are pooh-poohing Pete Buttigieg for being yet another plain white guy. While that is something we have in common, I am taking the bold and frankly unprecedented step of choosing as my running mate Noblesville School Board President Jenny Garcia. As a school board member and, more importantly, a female, Jenny will bring vast knowledge of our educational system to my administration. And did I mention “Garcia”?
What is my vision for the country, you ask? Well, buckle up, America. First, Medicare for all. Second, rezoning Pecan Court to allow food trucks to park there. Third, the total nationwide forgiveness of student loan debt. And fourth, raise $5,000 for the Noblesville Players to salvage their summer theater program. All of this I look forward to accomplishing in my first 100 days with the full cooperation of Congress and the Noblesville Zoning Board.
Now folks, I need to clear up an incident from my past before the national media digs it up and chews me out first. At last week’s city council meeting, Peggy St. John was plenty P.O.ed about the new lawn-watering curfew. At one point, she looked at me and said, “I don’t know who died and made you the lawn police, but keep your nose outta my gosh-darn rose bushes.” In the heat of the moment, I quipped that it seemed she had learned to turn “water into whine.”
That kind of personal attack has no place in our national discourse and I am embarrassed to have sunk so low in a moment of weakness. That’s not the Noblesville way, and it will not be my way as I stand on that debate stage opposite Donald Trump—or as I call him, the Peggy St. John of Washington. In the words of Michelle Obama (who did not respond to my e-mail request to be my running mate), when he goes low, I will go high.
I hope that the world now has a better idea of the kind of president they’ll be getting with me. Someone who is tough, compassionate, and already in the process of selling his Ford dealership. That is how confident I am. To get me to Washington–or “Noblesville on the Potomac” as I like to say—I will need your help. To add to the $85 I have currently raised from the Women’s Auxiliary of Noblesville, I will need approximately $500 million more. Please contribute, spread the word, and remember: we must take down Donald Trump. And who better to do it than the guy who took down the owl’s nest at the picnic pavilion last weekend? Onward!